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schnitz 11-04-2007 04:52 AM

Daily funny--- Revisited
 
I got this as an email from my father-in-law...



----- The Night Watchman

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrapyard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."So they created a
night watchman position and hired a person at $18,000 a year for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two
people, one person to write the instructions for $22,000, and one person
to do time studies for an additional $22,000 per year.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly? So they created a Quality Control department and hired
two people. One to do the studies for $31,000 and one to write the
reports for an additional $31,000 per year.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they
created the following positions, a time keeper for $35,000 annual
salary, and a payroll officer for an additional $35,000, then hired two
people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer at $155,000 per year, Assistant Administrative
Officer $125,000, and a Legal Secretary for an additional $100,000 per year.

Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year with a
budget cost of $574,000.00 and we are $18,000 over budget. We must
cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.



In a while, Chet.

dinger 11-04-2007 09:36 AM

LMAO! It is oh so true, I am seeing this in my job, 5 people doing the work, 7 overseeing them. Dan

Bad Rat 11-04-2007 12:25 PM

Its everywhere you look,, highway construction is classic,,1 man working [just a little ] and 10 watching,

2 blonds were planting shrubs in a street median, A driver setting at a traffic light was watching them,, the first one would dig a hole and then the 2nd one would come along and fill it in, wondering what was up with this,, he called out to the second blond,, and asked her why they dug the hole and never put the shrub in the hole ,,its laying right there,,, but you filled it in anyway?? The blonds reply was " OH, the blond that is suspose to put the shrub in the hole is sick today,,, and we can't wait up for her" :confused:

pigjamelectric 11-04-2007 02:13 PM

This one might push PG a bit. Or not. Mod delete if you want.

A blond and brunnette were about to race across a lake. But the judge told them that they could only swim using the breast stroke. They begin and the brunnette finishes in 25 minutes. An hour later the blond finishes.

The blond climbs into a towel and says, " I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think she was using her arms."

crazy larry 11-05-2007 06:25 PM

Antron Brown driving T/F next year.

Bad Rat 11-05-2007 06:59 PM

Yeah Larry that is funny,, :thumbup: this new format is interesting,, lots of drama in the final races ,, I just wish Fuller could have took T/F, And Heigt in F/C, a\Anderson in P/S and who cares about P/MC

schnitz 11-06-2007 08:05 AM

And now for a little Hotel Humor... (my wife used to be a front desk clerk)


Service with a smile.


A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would like very much to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?


An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,

I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bed clothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is more than welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.


In a while, Chet.

schnitz 11-07-2007 07:24 AM

More Hotel Humor
 
I am a desk clerk.


I have advanced degrees in accounting, public relations, marketing, business, computer science, civil engineering, and am fluent in speaking 13 languages, including Swahili.

Of course I have the reservation that you booked six years ago, even though you don't have the confirmation number and you think it was made under a last name that starts with "X".

It is not a problem for me to give you seven connecting, non-smoking, pool side suites with two king size beds each, and four roll-aways, and YES, I can install a wet bar. I also know that it's my fault that we do not have a helicopter landing pad.

I am a front desk clerk. I understand it is my obligation for me to speak every language and dialect on planet Earth, not just the thirteen I already have mastered. It is obvious to me that when you booked your reservation for Friday that you really meant Saturday. My company has entrusted me with all financial information and decisions, and yet I can't tell you why your bill for March 19, 1989 contained a $.25 phone charge because, obviously, you never make or pay for phone calls.

I understand that McGilloutty's Widget Manufacturing is a vast empire that will make or break our hotel. YES, I am lying when I say that we have no rooms available. It is not a problem for me to quickly construct several more guest rooms. This time I will not forget to add the helicopter landing pad.

I am a front desk clerk. I am quite capable of checking three people in, two people out, taking five reservations, answering fifteen incoming phone calls, and plunging the toilet in room 221, all at the same time.

I always know where to find the best vegetarian, kosher, Mongolian barbecue restaurant. I what to see and do in the city in fifteen minutes without spending any money. I take personal blame for airline food, traffic jams, rental car flat tires, the location of our hotel, and the national economy. I realize that you meant to book your reservations here, people often confuse us with the Galaxy Delight Motel of Antartica. Of course I can 'fit you in' and yes, you may have the special one dollar corporate rate because you are affiliated with the Hoboken Accounting and Bagel Club.

I am expected to smile, empathize, sympathize, console, cajole, upsell, downsell (and know when to do each), preform, sing, dance, and fix the printer.

I am a front desk clerk. I do all things... and still try to look busy when management is around.




In a while, Chet.

pigjamelectric 11-07-2007 09:28 AM

A guy walks into a bakery. Nobody was at the front so he rings the bell and says, "Hello?"

Someone replies from the back, "Over here!"

The guy walks around the corner and sees a big sweaty baker wearing no shirt rolling a ball of dough on his stomach.

"What are you doing?" the guys asks.

"I'm making buns." replies the baker

The guys says, "Isn't that kind of disgusting?"

Baker replies, "You should see how I make my donuts."

schnitz 11-07-2007 09:40 AM

ewww


In a while, Chet.

70 ElCam 11-07-2007 04:38 PM

Todays Blonde yoke
 
A Blonde was walking down a trail on her daily hike she likes to take and decides to take a new trail this particular day . After a few miles she ends up at a river, looks up and down and sees another Blonde on the other bank . She shouts across to her,"how do you get to the other side"? The other Blonde looks at her like she's crazy and shouts, " you are on the other side" !!

crash70rs 11-08-2007 01:47 PM

Why HOTRODDERS should not write advice columns
 
Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?


Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris
in the FUel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes
onto the intake manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it
could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

>> Walter

schnitz 11-09-2007 08:42 AM

And now, a little statehood humor....


As some of you are aware, I grew up in southern Wisconsin, and was within an easy 10 minute drive of the Iowa/ Wisconsin border (for those not "in the know", it is true that you need to be current on all your vaccinations before visiting Iowa....), an hour drive to Minnesota, and 2 hours from Illinois.

Anyways, my dad always used to comment on how the birds would fly upside down over Iowa. As they would approach the Wisconsin side of the Mississippi River, they'd slowly turn themselves right side up and continue in flight. Reason being, there's nothing worth crapping on in Iowa....

I found out fairly early when I started dating was that the only real difference between Wisconsin garbage and Iowa girls was that Wisconsin garbage got taken out once per week. I also learned that Wisconsin guys should never date a girl from Minnesota. The reason? Did you ever see what a Badger does to a gopher hole? It was also at a fairly young age that I got my first geography lesson. It was taught in my school that without Iowa, Wisconsin would fall into Lake Michigan. Reason being? Iowa SUCKS....

Of course, maybe in this schpiel I am being too hard on the state of Iowa. After all, they did do one ultimately intelligent thing right. They opted to not have a professional football team in their state. They knew that if they had a pro football team, then right away Minnesota and Illinois would want one too....

And for one last zinger so that the members in Michigan will not feel left out, I heard this one a couple days ago. It seems that the people who live in the southern portion of Michigan all carry hockey sticks, but it's only the people outside of the Detroit Redwings Stadium that know how to use them.....


In a while, Chet.

dinger 11-09-2007 10:56 AM

Quote:

Of course, maybe in this schpiel I am being too hard on the state of Iowa. After all, they did do one ultimately intelligent thing right. They opted to not have a professional football team in their state. They knew that if they had a pro football team, then right away Minnesota and Illinois would want one too....
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, LMAO!

schnitz 11-15-2007 09:31 AM

Two quickies....


What's the difference between a cow's tail and a necktie? The cow's tail covers the whole arsehole...


Did you hear about the city boy who decided to start farming? He moved into a farmhouse and bought a strip of land 20 miles long and 3 inches wide. He said he was going to grow spaghetti....

More later.


In a while, Chet.


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