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Old 02-24-2008, 09:33 AM
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As the father of my second 16 year old daughter,,( the first one is now 23) wretched ratchet's post rings all too true...I had to explain to the father of the boy my daughter is currently dating why I made a copy of his kids driver's license and got his license plate #.

Yes I am a ***** sometimes..

So now we know why Dinger moved to Visalia.

Here is one I'm sure alot of you have seen, but I still laugh every time.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> __________________________________________________ __________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________ ________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something yo u forgot?
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ______________________ ________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old i s he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> ________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS : Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> ___________________________________ ___
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Guess.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
> And the best for last:
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
my signature lines...not really directed at anyone in particular..

BE different....ACT normal.

No one is completely useless..They can always be used as a bad example
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