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Old 02-27-2008, 12:34 PM
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What's the similarity between a Texas twister & a Tennessee divorce?

Someone's gonna lose a trailer

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What do you call someone else's cheese?

Nacho cheese

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How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it

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How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way

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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" He shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" He said and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt naked, with his manhood in his hand. "Oh, good grief!" Yelled Ethel, "Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!"

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Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident.
I re-attached them and 8 months later, he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident. I reattached them and 2 years later, he won a Gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman high on cocaine and marijuana rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's butt. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President."

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A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ!'' The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' And walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''

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Little Johnny sees alot of guys comin' outta the store across the street smilin' an whistlin'. ''Dad, whatta they sell over there makes everbody so happy?''
''You're too young for that!'' His Dad says. Curiosity gets the better of him, so he breaks open his piggy bank and goes across the street. He walks up to the woman behind the counter and says: ''Lady, I want 38 cents worth o' what ever is makin' all o' these fellers so happy'' She grins and sticks her finger down there, then rubs it under his nose. Johnny yells: ''Sonofa*****, I'm sure glad I didn't buy no dollars worth!''

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Little Johnny is waiting for the bus with a quart of turps. He shakes it and watches the bubbles, shakes it and watches the bubbles. A Priest walks up and asks him what's in the jar. ''Well Preacher, this is the most powerful liquid in the world, this here's turpentine.'' The preist says ''No son, the most powerful liquid is Holy water. You can rub Holy water on a pregnant woman and she'll pass a baby boy every time.'' Johnny says ''Shoot, that ain't nuthin'. Rub this turpentine on a cat's butt an he'll pass a motorcycle!''

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What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

Militia Etheridge

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A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"

Last edited by Job~Rated; 02-27-2008 at 12:39 PM.
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