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Old 02-29-2008, 01:08 PM
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A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it, I thought you said 'GOATS'."

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An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract a very beautiful blonde woman. So they go back to his place and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while he climaxes loudly, rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "Are youa finish?" After a slight pause she replies, "No." Surprised, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her and has his way with her again--this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette and asks, "Youa finish?" Again, after a short pause, she simply says, "No." Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he mounts her again. This time with all the strength he could muster. He barely manages to end the task, but he does. Exhausted, he reaches for his cigarette. "Soa, youa finish, or what?!" "No," comes her reply. "I am Swedish."

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Lisa: "Mom, you know that vase you're always worried about me breaking?"
Mom: "Yes, what about it?"
Lisa: "Well, your worrying days are over....."

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A man and his five year old son were out walking in South America when a baby Aardvark ran towards them.
"Daddy, daddy..will it bite?" The boy asked. "No, son", Replied his father "A little Aardvark never hurt anyone".

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A ten year old boy was stuck with his homework.. "Could you help me with this, Grandad" ? "Yes, I could," Replies Grandad, "But it wouldn't be right would it?" "I guess not", Says the boy, "But have a shot at it anyway".

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The NYPD, the FBI, & the CIA have engaged for years in serious competition to determine which organization is the best at apprehending criminals. The President, wanting to resolve the question once and for all, releases a rabbit into a forest and challenges each organization to utilize its best methods to bring the rabbit in to him. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They place hidden microphones on all of the trees and motion detectors behind each rock. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and make no apologies.... the rabbit had it coming. The NYPD goes in. A mere two hours later they come out leading a badly beaten bear by the ear. The bear is yelling: "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

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Dr. Dave was a good doctor, but he had a nasty habit of sleeping with his patients. He could hardly live with the guilt of it all... One half of his subconscious said, "Don't worry, Dave, you're a good doctor!" The other half said, "Dave! Leave it out, mate, you're a vet!!!"

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A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the centre of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realised that they were not going to stop or get out of his way,so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!" Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

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The traveller knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," Said the man. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot." Answered the voice. The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently and the panel slid open. "Hey!" Exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" Said the voice, "Again?"

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A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. He has tried everything from reading her favourite novels to playing her favourite music to get some kind of reaction from her to give him hope that she will eventually return to him, but nothing has worked. So, on this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to make sure it wasn't a fluke. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened, to which the man replies: "I think she choked."
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