Why did god create Adam before he created Eve?
Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around the shop floor. Try as he might to impress him, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought "This should impress him!"
He pointed to a huge machine in the centre of the room and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here, we can put in a pig and out come sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Bud, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosey-arsed neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and fetch the marshmallows!
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides...
What does a man with a 12" penis have for breakfast?
This morning, I had an egg!