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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 05-03-2013, 11:26 PM
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itsjusti,
I've been through something similar in my younger years...and I'm just gonna tell you the truth because you asked. I told God if He was real, then would He take my pain away. One week later, I was over it. I have served God ever since. It was the first step for me. I'm not trying to make this a religious post, it's just my story. Like the other guys, I married the REAL love of my life down the road. She's really amazing. We've been married 10 years (married at 22) and Im SOOO glad I didn't marry this other girl. I do some marriage counseling and say this: You reap what you sow. It sounds like you planted some bad seed, now getting a bad crop. I also advise this. Plant good seeds now. It will take some time to sprout, but when it does, it'll be great...

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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 12:03 AM
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This may sound weird but why cant women be put on lots like autos. Or if in a field or barn or being stored sitting alone come with listings and hold no grudges against anyone so that theyre feelings are an open book to see if its truely the one to go with. This is how I buy an auto. Most of the time I have a specjfic make and model in mind and will hunt and search all of the available ones and feel them out and know which auto is meant for me. Sure sometimes while looking I feel it from another auto and sometimes I act on it and buy that auto instead but it would make this so much easier lol.

Dating sites are kind of like this but most of the time all they hold are horny desperate slutty women. Sure good for a fun time but thats all. Its rare finding a goody on them. Bars and clubs are the same way. It would be awesome meering a single woman at a show or meet or cruise or even at a shop that doesnt live to far away to want to be together. (I sa y this because I have met a couple at shows but as soon as they find out that I live 100 to 1200 miles away it turns to friendship only) and yeah I drive distances for shows/cruises/meets!
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 01:41 AM
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It's tough, leaving the one that you think you should be with. But trust me, if she's hooked up with a nutball, it's because she wants to be hooked up with a nutball. Best thing to do is move on. You have gotten some excellent advice about counseling and I strongly recommend that you follow it.

I was married to a crazy woman for 36 years. I knew she was crazy, but I loved her and tried for years to get her to seek professional help. When the craziness finally got out of control, I found myself staring at the computer screen one day and crying like a baby. That's when I made arrangements to move on. That was 7 years ago. I have dated a few women since and have found a truly remarkable woman that I think I can spend the rest of my life with. We've been dating for almost a year now.

I got word a couple of weeks ago that my ex is getting married May 4 (today). She called me a few days ago to confirm and I wished her groom congratulations and best wishes to her. I will remain friends with her until they shovel dirt in my face, but I'm glad to see her move on and find someone else who can hopefully give her the guidance and help that I didn't seem to be able to do.

Bottom line, move on.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 07:00 AM
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I am a firm believer in during courtship to not hold her up on a pedestal, try to knock her off. Then after commitment (marriage) you push her back up on that pedestal when she is falling. BEFORE that commitment, you examine every flaw and accept it or leave. If you decide it's not a deal breaker, you FORGET about it forever. If it is a deal breaker you move on.

My wife has NO flaws, in reality, yes, but not in my head, she is perfect. I accepted her as she is at commitment.

Brian
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 08:57 AM
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First of all, I agree with ALL of the previous advice and comments. Now let me add this one fact - - - "you do not need another person to validate your life - if you can't be complete without someone else then you will never be in control of your life - they will"

Good Luck with this,
Em
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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 09:38 AM
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Just outta curiosity - WHY are you so desperately seeking a mate?
When you so eager to find a mate, there is a virtual certainty that you will wind up with the wrong one - as in - not right for you!
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 10:20 AM
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Ive reached that time frame ending point. I personally dont feel right without a good woman at my side. The main ex that this thread is about set the bar really high and as such ive been using this setting as a comparison tool for others. Now that Im not able to do that im a bit lost. I havent solely had my own blend of tool since I was a teenager. The woman im with no is awesome but only in some aspects. Its been a long time since Ive virtually been alone per say in the field so its a bit overwhelming.

When the ex and I broke up years ago the promise of trying again in twenty years was made. It was like a mutual understanding nothing more. When that time came about and she was willing to try again then I would have but until then and since ive remained only as a friend to her and her to I.....until she said we werent able to even have that. Not even talking on facebook or texts. Its like a total goodbye with the only woman ive been in love with not just loved. So its a little hard to take in. More lost in it all feel weird technically being by myself now in the love field. Plus its hard to take just for the factor of the reason why. If she said she didnt want to anymore it would be more of a valid reason then another person saying she wasnt able to even talk anymore. Ill be moving on with or without a rebound woman it just makes things so much easier for me to do so.
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 11:13 AM
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You're wasting your life waiting for something that's NEVER going to happen. Been there, done that. I hoped and moped for 10 years that my ex would take me back and got nothing but pain and frustration with other relationships during that period. When I met my current wife, and we set a date, I lost it and nearly blew the bliss I had found. I realized I had been sabotaging the relationships to stay "available" for my ex. Fat lot of good that did me.

QUIT comparing everyone you meet to the woman WHO DUMPED YOUR BUTT. She abandoned you and has lived her life without you since. You think that is LOVE ???? I know Burlington isn't a big town and it's probably hard to avoid her and meet new women, but I suspect you've already bypassed at least one good woman because she just couldn't be as "perfect" as your ex. I also suspect your ex was the first woman you had a deep/meaningful/sexual relationship with and it's very common to not be able to move beyond that "perfect" relationship. As others have suggested, get some professional counseling on how to let it go and move on. Your life will improve vastly.

I wouldn't trade what I have had for the past 20 years with my wife for 3 of my ex's. It really does get better, but YOU have to believe that and move on.

I wish for you happiness and inner peace.
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 12:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by itsjusti View Post
set the bar really high and as such ive been using this setting as a comparison tool for others. Now that Im not able to do that im a bit lost. -----------

If she said she didnt want to anymore it would be more of a valid reason then another person saying she wasnt able to even talk anymore.
At the risk of sounding heartless, "are you gonna let a woman that doesn't even want to talk to you control your life? If you are then get ready for a miserable existence."


Someone mentioned professional help earlier and after reading your last post, I'm thinking you should seriously consider that. Again, good luck to you and try to look forward as much as you can. Em

Here's what my Wife said just a minute ago (aka a woman's point of view):
There are so many types of love and depths of love. You NEVER feel the same about anyone else after the first love. The main thing is, especially when it's a second or later love, it takes longer to develop and for you to grow together. You establish memories and ties that bring you together.....but,again, that takes time. What one woman (or man for that matter) brings to a relationship will probably be different than another).Appreciate the goodness in the next woman you meet and push the first one aside. Time changes everyone and what your needs were then aren't the same as they are now.

Last edited by wretched ratchet; 05-04-2013 at 12:28 PM.
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 01:57 PM
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"Looking for love" is usually not a good thing anyway. Being ready for a chance meeting is a whole different thing. My wife came in for an estimate at my shop. We talked a while and as she walked out of the office to her car I said out loud to myself "I have got to get to know her better".

I made sure to get the deal on repairing her car and when the parts came in I asked her to drop the car off and I would take her to lunch.....the rest is history. Years later she told me "Do you realize you TOLD me you were going to take me to lunch", luckily she is a sweetheart and didn't banish me for that.

But honestly, as said before do it by yourself, be independent. When you don't need anyone you look a lot better to the healthy women.

Brian
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 03:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MARTINSR View Post
When you don't need anyone you look a lot better to the healthy women.
Brian
now THAT says it all with very few words - - - - how come I can't do that?
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 04:04 PM
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Have your period of pain - whatever time it takes. I was devastated that when after 23 years my ex decided she wanted a soul mate that would spend hours drinking screw cap wine and telling each other lies. I played with my hot rod, went skiing, got back in shape, plus had a heluva lot of fun and about 8-10 months later started dating - phew did I date. Blonds, redheads, brunettes, highly educated ladies and those that were just fun. THEN - met my wife. Is she perfect? Probably not, but as far as I'm concerned she is. And the ex - well she threw that fat and old drinking buddy out, married someone with some bucks and according to one of my kids, she still is not a nice person.

Get over it and get a life as soon as possible
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Irelands child View Post
Have your period of pain - whatever time it takes. I was devastated that when after 23 years my ex decided she wanted a soul mate that would spend hours drinking screw cap wine and telling each other lies. I played with my hot rod, went skiing, got back in shape, plus had a heluva lot of fun and about 8-10 months later started dating - phew did I date. Blonds, redheads, brunettes, highly educated ladies and those that were just fun. THEN - met my wife. Is she perfect? Probably not, but as far as I'm concerned she is. And the ex - well she threw that fat and old drinking buddy out, married someone with some bucks and according to one of my kids, she still is not a nice person.

Get over it and get a life as soon as possible
God it's funny how lives can be so similar so many miles apart. Outside of the names and places you have hit my first marriage solidly.

Brian
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 07:04 PM
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I'm going to be blunt here...

A promise to revisit a relationship in 20 years is nothing but a spineless cop-out on her part! One year --- maybe, to see if you BOTH couldn't think of anything but EACH OTHER.

Sorry ... but she sounds like the Drama Queen type to me.

10 years going on 20 pining over her? If she truly had ANY respect or feeling for you ... she would have "cut you loose" LONG ago.

You most certainly cannot fix her life if she doesn't want you to!
It's gotta be mutual ... or it's just not worthy of the emotional investment!

You've said that you have made improvements to your own life and character ... If so, then other women will find you attractive.

I'd suggest that you mentally "put this woman in your rear-view mirror", and get on with the job of being happy.

Personal experience:
After having my first mariage end after 6 months, I found and married a wonderful woman 31 years ago. (I got lucky ... and I know it!)

That's my "take" on your situation, but then again, I'm just a guy on a hotrodders site.

Take Care ... and best of luck
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2013, 07:36 PM
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I was doing really good today with it. Its really crazy but I feel a sense of relief in a way so I used it on the current girlfriend joking around more physical flirting that I havent done in years with her. Until we went to menards to get some high temp paint to redo our little bbq grill in hawkeye colors and we got to the checkout and the cashier looked 80% like the ex and it was really weird alnyway one would look at it and it did bother me a little bit even when the girlfriend pointed it out but I kept it under control for the most part. Did alot of staring at her but its things like this that happen that make me think that it was suppose to happen. One day and it will be soon it will be over and ill be able to look at her, anyone resembling her or anything that would bring up memories of her and not think of what ifs. ;-)
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