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Lighten Up Everybody

2K views 16 replies 12 participants last post by  antirice 
#1 ·
Man, everybody here seems so bummed out. How about everybody post the best classic joke that they've ever heard. Try to keep it tasteful.

OK I'll start. This is a favorite from the late Buddy Hackett.

A city slicker goes out duck hunting one day, in a rural area. Well sure enough a flock of mallards comes flying overhead. Cityboy pulls up and fires. Sure enough , the big drake in the lead, falls form the sky. The proud hunter races over to the neighboring field to claim his trophy. When he gets to the field however, he finds a big, brawny farmer picking up the duck.

Hey, that's my duck!!!,yells Cityboy.

"Nope! It's my field and it's my duck " replies the farmer.

I ain't leavin' without that duck!! , growls Cityboy.

"OK", says the farmer. Let's settle this with Farmer's Law."

Farmer's Law?? What the hell's that ?? asks Cityboy.

"Well," says the farmer, "I'll kick you in the balls, then you kick me in the balls, over and over, and the guy who gives in first, loses the duck."

The enraged hunter sizes up the big man wearing the size 14, steel toed Kodiak's. And he decides he'll do anything to take home the prized fowl.

"Go ahead, Clodhopper. Give it your best shot, 'cause I'm takin' the dam duck home, with me!!" Sneered the Cityboy.

So, with a mighty kick, the big man's boot connected squarely with it's intended target, sending it's victim several feet in the air, in excruciating pain.

After several minutes of recovery, the hunter staggered to his feet."OK, Big Boy" he growls. "Now it's my turn!!"

The smiling farmer simply dropped the duck at the feet of Cityboy, and said "I give up, you win.", and walked away laughing hysterically.

Oh well, I tried. kitkar:rolleyes: :rolleyes:
 
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#4 ·
There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them *****. This is the only *** I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his *** for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ***?"
 
#5 ·
Okay, but please, nobody take offence to this one........

How do you make a womans breasts larger?

Rub a little toilet paper between them, after a few years of rubbing it between thier cheeks, look what it does for thier butts. :spank:

"What, no honey I didn't write that, someone musta' logged on my username and............." :evil:
 
#6 ·
Here's an oldy, but one of my favorites:

A horse and chicken are walking through a field when the horse steps into a mud pit and gets stuck. He yells to the chicken "Help! Pull me out of here!"

The chicken says "How the hell do you expect me to do that! I weigh, like, 6 pounds!"

The horse says "Run back to the farm and get the farmer, he'll know what to do"

The chicken searches all over the farm and can't find the farmer, but there in the driveway is the farmers new Corvette, with the keys in the ignition. The chicken grabs some rope, hops behind the wheel, fires her up and rips out to the field. He tosses the rope to the horse, hits the gas, and pulls the horse out.

A while later, the chicken and horse are walking through the field again and this time the chicken gets stuck in the mud. He yells to the horse "Go get the Corvette and pull me out of here!"

The horse has a better idea. He straddles the mud pit and tells the chicken to grab onto his ... umm ... member and pull himself out. It works, and the horse and chicken live happily ever after.

This story does of course have a moral ...
.
.
.
.
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When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Corvette to pick up chicks!
 
#7 ·
A city boy is driving through rural North Carolina when his car runs out of gas. It seems like its a hundred miles to the nearest gas station, but he starts walking anyway.

He wanders up to a ranch with a number of horses grazing. Since he has quite a few bucks in his wallet, he walks up the drive to meet the landowner and ask him if he'd sell a horse so that he could make it to the gas station before dark.

The landowner says he doesn't have any horses for sale, but he did have a donkey he let him have for $25.

The city boy says OK and is happy to have something to ride on.

The donkey's former owner tells the city boy, "There's a little trick I have to tell you. You gotta bend over and scratch this donkey on the chest right here between his legs, or else he won't move."

The city boy does as the farmer says, and the donkey sure enough starts walking. The city boy hops on and is on his way to town.

The city boy and his donkey are travelling about an hour when the lad starts to get hungry. He begins to worry that the nearest restaraunt is also in the distant town near the gas station, and it will close before he gets there.

He passes by another farm. Knowing he still has a good chunk of money in his wallet, he decides to see if he might be in time for a good home-cooked meal.

The city boy sees the farmer just getting off his tractor and walks up to him and asks if he could be so kind to serve him dinner for a price.

The farmer says. "Sorry son, but the wife's out in the barn a-milking them heffers, and she won't be cooking dinner for another two hours, just about sunset."

But the farmer could tell the young lad was hungry and worried, so he offered him one of his finest hens for only $5.00.

"I know youz ' a way off from town...'bout twenty five miles. If you get too hungry between here and thar, you jes kill this chicken here and eat her."

The city boy was disappointed, but he figured this would work in a pinch so he bought the hen, took her in one arm, scratched his donkey on the chest with the other, and hopped on the eager to move donkey.

Then he thought "What if it gets late and everything is closed in town...I'll starve for sure, and if this chicken gets away..."

"Sir! Hey sir?" The boy called to the farmer who walked up to the donkey and the city boy.

"Do you have another hen I could buy?"

"Sorry son. I gived you the best of the bunch and I need the rest for egg layin'. But tell you what...I have an extra rooster here whos always a-fightin' with the other. I'll let you have him for only three bucks."

The city boy agrees and pays the farmer while he keeps the donkey walking in circles. The farmer fetches the rooster and hands it to the city boy in his other arm. The donkey and the city boy, rooster and hen in his arms, walk off toward town.

They walk a few more miles and the donkey slows down because he sees a stream and wants a drink. The city boy says "No! No!" but its too late...the donkey stops and takes a long drink.

The city boy slides off the donkey and stomps his feet and is cussing loud at the donkey, and is just walking around pouting and cussing holding the rooster and hen in his arms.

The county sheriff happens to be driving down the road and sees the young man is having a time, so he stops and walks up to him.

"Anything the matter?" the sheriff asks the city boy.

"Yes sheriff. I can't move any more and I need your help. I need you to hold my Coc* and Pullet, while I bend over and scratch my *** between the legs so that I can go to the town restaraunt and get gas before its too late....:eek:
 
#8 ·
I don't often do the joke thing but since we're on a chicken theme!!!! Here's another classic!!!!

Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

On the first day the young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this, old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over - so take a hike!"

The old rooster says, "Aw, come on, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. We won't bother you."

The young rooster yells, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."

The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

Farmer Brown was sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, he looks up and sees the old rooster running away from the young rooster. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!

Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust and says, "Darn it! That's the third gay rooster I bought this week."
 
#9 ·
A woman walks into the butcher shop. 'Hi Harry' she says. I need a whole chicken for dinner. Harry goes into the back and brings out the only chicken he has left. The woman looks at it and asks him if he has anything larger. He goes into the back and thinks for a moment. Harry brings the same chicken back out saying this one is larger than the 1st one. 'Great' the woman exclaims. I take both of them.
 
#11 ·
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the M&M's."
 
#12 ·
My all time favorite classic

A little boy was sitting on the front porch when a salesman stopped at the gate. He asked the boy if his mother was home and the boy replied that she was. The man also noticed a junk yard dog laying in the front lawn.
"Does your dog bite?" he inquired of the lad
No sir, he sure don't" replied the youngster.
The salesman opened the gate and approached the house. As his foot hit the first step, the dog jumped up and tore into the man's leg, growling and ripping the material. The man ran back to the haven on the street side of the gate.
"I thought you said that your dog didn't bite" exclaimed the peddler with the ripped trousers.

The boy answered, "That's not my dog":rolleyes:
 
#13 ·
OK, I'll go along with this but for the blond young ladies among us, no offense.

One day a blond decided she was tired of being picked on for being stupid and wanted to show everybody just how smart she was. Well she dyed her hair red and set off in her car to prove to the world she was smart.
Well she came upon a pasture full sheep with a sheepherder near by. She looked out across the pasture for a short while and approached the sheepherder and said " Sir, If I can tell you how many sheep you have in this pasture can I have one??" He said "Well Missy nobody knows that answer that but me, but you can try if you like" Well she studied the pasture for a while thinking and looking then turned to the sheepherder and said" Sir, you have 473 sheep in this pasture!" He said "Well Missy you are right and a deal is a deal so go ahead and get you one" She proudly went out and picked her sheep out and put it in the back seat of her car. Just before she drove away the sheepherder approached the car and said" Missy, If I tell you the true color of your hair can I have my dog back??"

:thumbup:
 
#14 ·
There is this guy who is always falling asleep in church and his wife wants to get him to stop, so she decides to bring a pin to poke him with every time he falls asleep. So the next day in church, as usual, he falls asleep. Just as the preist says "Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th, she pokes him and he yells "GOD ALMIGHTY" the preist looks confused but says, uh yeah, thats right. The man is annoyed, but of cource falls asleep again. Just as the preist says, "who died and was burned at stake for us?" she pokes him and he screams "JESUS CHRIST" The preist even more confused says "uh yea, thats right" so, he goes on with the sermon, but of cource the man falls asleep again. So, just as the preist says "What did eve say to adam after the birth of their 2nd child?" she pokes him in the side, and he yells at the top of his lungs ....................


"IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!" !!
 
#15 · (Edited)
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a
quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of
romaine lettuce, a 2lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's
intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing
particularly unusual about her selections she said,
"Well, you know what,.... you're absolutely correct. But how on earth
did you know
that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
 
#16 ·
Brewster The Rooster

A farmer goes to the market looking for a stud rooster. The vendor proceeds to show him the finest bird he has, named Brewster.

"Well, he kooks mighty fine" says the farmer, "but I got me a lotta hens to service. How do I know he can do the job."

"no problem, "says the vendor "There's a money back guarantee."

So, the farmer heads back to the farm with Brewster, and immediately Brewster proceeds to breed every hen on the farm, over and over again, nonstop.

After a few days of this performance, the hens were exhausted, but Brewster was relentless in his duties. "Brewster" the farmer pleaded, "You've got to stop! The hens are all skitterish, and you'll kill yourself."

Sure enough, the next day Brewster is lying on his back, feet sticking up in the air, as the buzzards circled overhead, eying up the rooster's corpse.

The farmer sadly approached the sorry looking bird. "Ah, poor Brewster, I told you all that breeding would kill you."

A whispering voice replied "Shut up stupid. Those buzzards are just about to land, and I think one of 'em is a female!!":D
 
#17 ·
Heaven's full. So God tells St. Peter that before he can let anyone through the gates, he has to ask them about they're last day alive. If it was bad enough, then they could be let in. So, St. Peter's sitting there when the first guy walks up. St. Peter asks, "Tell me about your last day alive." "Listen to this", the guy started, "I know for a fact that my wife was cheating on me, so I get off work one day to catch her in bed with this guy. I find her naked in bed but no guy. I searched that apartment high and dry and found no one. I go out on the balcony to cool off and find this half-naked guy hanging off the edge. I stepped on his feet and he falls three stories into a bush, somehow surviving. So then I pushed the refridgerator over the edge killing him but the cord wrapped around my foot, killing me." St. Peter says, "That's pretty bad, ok, go in." So, St. Peter's sitting there when this second guy comes up. St. Peter asks, "Tell me about your last day alive." "Check this out," starts the guy, "I'm doing aerobics in my apartment. I slip and fall out the window. I managed to catch the balcony below me. So I'm hanging there trying to figure out what to do when some guy comes out yelling. He sees me an goes nuts. He stomps on my fingers causing me to fall like three floors down into a bush. I managed to survive that until the guy then pushed a refridgerator on top of me." St. Peter laughs, "Yeah thats pretty bad, ok, in ya go." St Peter is still sitting there when this third guy walks up. "Tell me about your last day alive." The third guy stares at him for a second then says, "Picture this, I'm naked inside this refridgerator..."
 
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