M.S. requested joke thread
Hey Mad Syntst here tis.
come on people give us some jokes.
what do you you do if see a spaceman?
park in it man! :p
Man goes to a fancy restaurant. dude at the door won't let him in 'cause he don't have a tie. He goes to the car and wraps jumper cables around his neck. The guy at the door says, "OK, you can go in, but don't start anything"
My nine yr. old sons favorite:
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Ans: El if I Know
There's this cave full of vampire bats, roosting.
A solitary bat flutters into the cave and heads for his perch. He's just wrapping himself up snugly, when his neighbour starts sniffing.
"Blood ... ?"
In no time, the cave is in an uproar, all the bats swarming around the latecomer.
"Blood! We smell blood! Where did you get the blood!?"
The solitary bat, who does indeed smell of blood, just mumbles through his wings.
"Le'me in peace. I jus' wanna sleep."
But the others are unrelenting.
"No! No! You found blood! You've got to share! Show us where the blood is!"
In the end the solitary bat has to give up.
"Okay. Fine. I'll show you the blood."
A cloud of vampire bats swarms out of the cave, the solitary one leading them. They head down the valley, across the moonlit lake, and into the dark forest. After a while they end up in a clearing in the forest, with a gigantic tree standing in the middle. The solitary bats says:
"You all see that tree?"
"Yes! Yes!", they go ("Blood! Blood!")
"Fine," he says, "I didn't."
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay...NOW you're screwed!"
lol thats funny
A Christian puritan goes to a small native village to try and teach the savages to be civalized. The puritan takes the cheif aside over a few weeks and tries to teach him things he can pass on to his native people. One day the puritan and the cheif go for a walk. The puritan points to a tree and says "tree", the cheif says "tree". The puritan and the cheif walk on and the puritan points to large bush and says "bush", the cheif repeats "bush". As the two walk closer to the bush they see a native couple getting it on hot and heavy in the bush, the puritan point to the couple and sheepishly says "riding a bike". The cheif imidiatly takes out his bow and kills the couple. the puritan astonished can't beleive that after all this time teaching the savage to be civilized and gentle he goes off and kills. The puritan asks "why did you do that!?!?!?" The cheif replies "He ride my bike"
2 piolets were talking, one american, one tiwanese. the tie piolet askes the american why they yell "geronimo" when they jump from a plane. the a\merican explains, then asks what the tiwanese yell when they jump from a plane.
the tie piolet tells the american they say "almighty buddah" . the american asks why. he is told that the giant hand of buddah lifts the piolet up, and sets him gently on the ground..
2 weeks later the american piolet is shot down, and forced to eject. his chute won't open, so he says "almighty buddah" and the giant hand scoops him up and sets on the ground.
the american looks up to the sky and says "jesus christ!" then the gia nt hand comes down from the sky and crushes him!
sorry about any bad spelling!
this was told to me by a tiwanese buddist.
met this hooker who charges by the inch, no good to me but should be cheap for you guys!! :D
Eldery woman takes her eldery husband to the dr. for a checkup. When he finishes, the dr. calls the woman in and ask her "what have you been feeding this man? He's in terrible shape". The woman replies" We are on a fixed budget and can't afford the right foods so we mostly eat dog food". The dr. tells her "I'm sorry, but if you continue feeding him dog food, it will kill him". A few weeks later the dr. meets the woman on the street and asks about her husband. She replies that her husband died. The dr. says " I hate to say I told you so, but I told you that dog food would kill him" "No" she replies, "It wasn't the dog food, he was laying out in the street, licking his balls, and a truck ran over him".
lol, i'm still laughin that was funny! :D
3 high rise steel workers were having lunch up on a 10 story beam.
The mexican opens his bag and goes"Ah Chingassa, burrito's again, juan mo time and I'm gonna jump"
The Italian opens his bag and says,"Mama mia, pasta again, If I gotta eat dis again, I'ma gonna jump"
The blond jock opens his bag and says"Bogus dude, Peanut Butter and Jelly. If I gotta eat this again, I'm gonna jump"
Next day the three sit down on the same 10 story beam for lunch. The Mexican opens his lunch, crys out load, and jumps, leaving the burrito. The Italian opens his, crys out load and jumps, leaving the pasta. The blond guy opens his, crys out load and jumps, leaving the PB&J. They all die.
At the mutliple funeral, the three wives are sitting in the front row by the caskets. The Mexican lady is wailing. "If I only knew, I would have never made him another burrito. I killed him. I am responcible! The Italian lady is in the same state of affairs."Mama mia, if I only knew. I no make pasta again never for my man. Holy mother, I have killed a wonderful man. The brunette local lady, wife of the blond, just sat, checking her watch getting bored.
The other two ladies couldn't believe it. "How could you be so cold? How can you not grieve for your man?"
"Simple"' she said, "He always made his own lunch. :p
a truck driver has been on the road for over a month.he stops at a brothel,woman there says ,may i help you? the driver replies-i have $500,i want a baloney sandwich and the ugliest woman here. she says- sir,for $500 you may have a steak dinner and our best looking girl all night! he replies, maam,you misunderstand,i am not horny,just home sick!!! <img src="confused.gif" border="0">
[ July 18, 2002: Message edited by: FASTFORD ]</p>
A man had been stranded on an island for four years. One day as he's looking out to sea he see's what looks like a small boat. Soon he realizes it's not a boat but someone swimming towards him.Pretty soon this drop-dead gorgeous woman walks out of the surf in a wet suit. She asked him "When's the last time you had a cigarette?" "Four years ago" he replied. She unzipped a pocket on her sleeve, dug out a cigarette, lit it and handed it to him. "How's that?" "Wonderfull!" he said. "When's the last time you had a drink?" she said. "Four years ago" he replied. She unzipped a pocket on her other sleeve and brought out a pint of bourbon and handed it to him "How's that?" she asked. "Wonderfull!" he said. Then she slowly started to unzip the front of her wetsuit and in her sexiest voice asked "When's the last time you played around?" He was beside himself with anticipation and said "Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there!"
A man and wife are driving on the freeway when a blue light comes on behind them. The man pulls over and a cop comes to the door.
Cop; Sir, I going to have to give you a ticket for doing 70 in a 55mph zone
Man; I was only going 55
Wife; Harry, you know you were going at least 80
Man gives wife a dirty look
Cop; Also sir, Im going to give you a ticket for that broken tail light.
Man; What broken tail light?
Wife: Harry, you've known that light was broken for weeks.
Man gives wife another dirty look
Cop; Sir, you also were not wearing your seat belt
Man; I unhooked it as you were walking up
Wife, Harry, you never wear your seat belt
Man turns to wife and says; Shut your damn mouth and keep it shut.
Cop to wife; Does he always talk to you like that?
Wife; No sir, only when hes drunk.
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