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Topic Review (Newest First)
08-19-2014 06:25 PM
wretched ratchet Take it? didn't Y'all invent it?
08-19-2014 03:13 PM
John long Just go ahead and pick on the good old boy from Tennessee. We can take it.

John
08-19-2014 02:50 PM
malc A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my *** to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
08-15-2014 06:10 PM
deadbodyman Two women, getting on in the years were sitting on the front porch rocking when Ida asked mary lou ,Mary ,you have a lot of boe's coming and going all the time,I only have have two and its so hard to keep track of thier names,how do you do it? Well,Mary lou said,Its ez ,I just name them all after soft drinks....For instance,take that young man that just left,I call him moutain dew because he was raised in the mountains and he's sweet as moutain dew in the morning...
But what about that guy you were with last week,said Ida....
Oh ,HIM, she said with a smile...I call him 7 up because he has 7" and its ALWAYS up.....
Blushing,Ida said thats wonderfull but what about that guy that that stays for a few days at a time?..... Oh him,Mary lou said, with a twinkle in her eyes ....I call him Jack Daniels.....
Ida said Mary lou ,Jack daniels isnt a soft drink ......THATS a HARD Liquor.......
Mary Lou said with that same twinkle in her eye .......
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.....
08-15-2014 10:02 AM
malc A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me **** all."
08-15-2014 10:01 AM
malc Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
08-08-2014 04:10 PM
rossco A guy phones the local hospital and yells, ‘You’ve gotta send help! My wife’s in labor!’
The nurse says, ‘Calm down. Is this her first child?’
He replies, ‘No! This is her husband!’
08-08-2014 04:07 PM
rossco A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ***, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
08-08-2014 04:02 PM
rossco In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered
grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt… Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death
this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single
flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know!
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
08-08-2014 03:59 PM
rossco Just a few questions

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May....What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers ...What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, ...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.. ...How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Scroll down for the answers....

Here are the Answers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt.Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
***
08-08-2014 03:55 PM
wretched ratchet An Engineer finds a note that his wife left him that morning.
"The Shepherd's Pie needs to be taken out of the Frig and put in the Oven at 140 degrees."
08-08-2014 03:55 PM
rossco Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

”Ooh”, said the presenter.
“This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks”, said Paddy

***
08-02-2014 12:49 PM
wretched ratchet
08-02-2014 11:42 AM
malc
07-28-2014 12:58 PM
Irelands child
Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Caliber Pistol

This is a story of self control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well-placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.

Below is her description of how she survived this violent confrontation:

"While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a massive female grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot. It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace".

Oh sure, I'll have to find another boyfriend…..But I love that pistol!!!
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