Hot Rod Forum : Hotrodders Bulletin Board - Reply to Topic
Hotrodders.com -- Hot Rod Forum



Register FAQ Search Today's Posts Unanswered Posts Auto Escrow Insurance Auto Loans
Hot Rod Forum : Hotrodders Bulletin Board > General Discussion> Hotrodders' Lounge> Off-Topic> Daily funny--- Revisited
User Name
Password
lost password?   |   register now

Thread: Daily funny--- Revisited Reply to Thread
Title:
  
Message:
Trackback:
Send Trackbacks to (Separate multiple URLs with spaces) :

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Hot Rod Forum : Hotrodders Bulletin Board forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name (usually not your first and last name), your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Additional Options
Miscellaneous Options

Topic Review (Newest First)
Today 05:31 AM
malc Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says. . "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel ?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! ? Like a new-born baby! ?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
Today 05:30 AM
malc A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes.
I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way"
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
and said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq.
"The nun said she understood.
The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you
have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"
Yesterday 10:27 PM
boothboy Still think you are having a bad day ?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

BB
Yesterday 10:25 PM
boothboy Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
Still having a bad day ?

BB
02-26-2015 09:42 PM
rossco We didn't take a lot of family holidays because my Dad is Irish and my Mom is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our vacations in Customs.
02-26-2015 09:35 PM
rossco Complaints Made By Holidaymakers to Travel Agents...

I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.

I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper cookies like custard creams or ginger nuts.

It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during "siesta" time - this should be banned.

On my vacation to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming suits and towels.

The beach was too sandy.

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

We bought "Ray-Ban" sunglasses for five Euros [£3.50. $5 USD] from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.

It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home.

My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment, and ours was significantly smaller.

The brochure stated: "No hairdressers at the accommodation". We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?

There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.

We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.

We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.

It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
02-26-2015 09:25 PM
rossco When you don't need a Visa.

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. 'Oh no I don't , I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'
02-26-2015 02:48 PM
malc
02-26-2015 02:06 PM
boothboy
Quote:
Originally Posted by dinger View Post
A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday, I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
As I've posted before, I breed and show St. Bernard's. For years while pushing a flat cart with ten 50# bags of dry dog when asked if I had dogs, I respond, "No I manage a retirement Home. Wednesday night is surprise night"

The looks are priceless!

BB
02-26-2015 12:55 PM
dinger 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is: BASKETBALL


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees: Is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.



And.....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executive and officers is: GOLF.



THE

AMAZING

CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the

Smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles!
02-26-2015 12:52 PM
dinger "DEFINITION OF"SERVICE"

I became confused when I heard the word " Service" being used with these agencies:

1, Internal Revenue "Service".

2, U.S. Postal "Service".

3, Telephone "Service".

4, Cable T.V. "Service".

5, Civil "Service".

6, State, City, County & Public "Service".

7, Customer "Service".

This is not what I thought "Service" meant.

But today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!
02-26-2015 12:15 PM
dinger A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday, I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
02-26-2015 08:00 AM
FASTFORD
mother in law..............

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
02-23-2015 03:56 PM
whinny
Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
Now that's funny,lol
Russ
Later gator
02-23-2015 02:08 PM
wretched ratchet
This thread has more than 15 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:34 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2015, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
Copyright Hotrodders.com 1999 - 2012. All Rights Reserved.