|09-26-2014 01:47 AM|
A precious little girl walks into a pet store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp,
"Do you have widdle wabbits?"
The storekeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
|09-25-2014 10:25 PM|
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."
|09-25-2014 01:36 PM|
|wretched ratchet||so that's where Peanut Brain came from ?|
|09-25-2014 01:20 PM|
|malc||I saw this soooo long ago, it was funny then and now.|
|09-24-2014 06:46 AM|
the old duck hunter
An older, balding, white haired, duck hunter from Northern Minnesota, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
See…….Not All Old Duck Hunters Are Senile!
|09-24-2014 12:52 AM|
It only takes a second to show some-one how you feel.
Unfortunealy the cops refer to it as indecent exposure.
|09-23-2014 10:18 AM|
How to fall down stairs
Step 9, 10, 11, 12
|09-22-2014 09:46 AM|
HaHa HawHar cough, spit
Back when I was working maintenance in the plant, I always ordered my own raincoats, way better than the flimsy one's they supplied us. Mine were extra long and heavy duty. After having more than one come up missing from our office/shop, I started marking the back in huge bold letters, "STOLEN FROM NOLAN". When yet another grew legs and walked off, I never spotted anyone wearing mine.
Then one really cold and rainy night, I was called out to troubleshoot an electrical problem that shut the unit down.
Out of the shadows came an operator with the infamous "STOLEN FROM NOLAN" on the back of his coat. After calling him a dirty no good @#$%^&*! and threatening to jerk it off his back in a huge downpour, I let him keep it. A week or so later, two brand new coats were hung in my office, pre-lettered with "STOLEN FROM NOLAN" on the back. From that day forward, it became a long running joke, as a bunch of guys that worked there started labeling their coats "STOLEN FROM NOLAN".
|09-22-2014 08:50 AM|
Stolen from Nolan !
One night, a man was involved in a serious car accident at an intersection where there was a Shell service station. He was thrown from the car and knocked cold.
When the EMT personnel finally helped him regain consciousness, the man began to thrash around wildly and scream at the top of his lungs.
The EMT team gave him a shot to calm him down, and on the way to the hospital in an ambulance, they asked him why he went berserk when he came to.
“Well,” the man replied, “when I came to, I knew I was in an accident. It was dark, and these guys were standing over me and behind them was a Shell sign — but someone was standing in front of the S.”
|09-21-2014 07:55 AM|
|wretched ratchet||Your wife keeps a spit cup on the end of the ironing board.|
|09-21-2014 07:44 AM|
Extreme REDNECK !
1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9 Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are Gentlemen, start your engines.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And in closing....
Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,
"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says,
"Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
NOW Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY
|09-11-2014 06:36 PM|
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
|09-11-2014 07:41 AM|
"the" DR Epstein
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
|09-06-2014 03:46 PM|
|deadbodyman||same as the last two but........the cow hand said we just go get ole betty and take her for a ride ...ole betty? yeah said the cowhand pointing at the old plow horse in the barn.....discusting said the young guy...no way....two months later he was going at it with ole betty in the barn when the cowhand walks by , new guy says hey ole betty aint too bad ,pulling his pants up ,Thanks...The old cowhand smirked and said well OK,to each his own,but WE usually just ride her to town and get a whore...Thats discusting|
|09-06-2014 03:37 PM|
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