|09-11-2014 06:36 PM|
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
|09-11-2014 07:41 AM|
"the" DR Epstein
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
|09-06-2014 03:46 PM|
|deadbodyman||same as the last two but........the cow hand said we just go get ole betty and take her for a ride ...ole betty? yeah said the cowhand pointing at the old plow horse in the barn.....discusting said the young guy...no way....two months later he was going at it with ole betty in the barn when the cowhand walks by , new guy says hey ole betty aint too bad ,pulling his pants up ,Thanks...The old cowhand smirked and said well OK,to each his own,but WE usually just ride her to town and get a whore...Thats discusting|
|09-06-2014 03:37 PM|
|09-06-2014 02:55 PM|
A nineteen year old young man signs on with a lumber company in the deep forests of Canada. His contract says he has to stay a year. After a couple of weeks on the job he asks when were they going to take a break and go to town for some fun. A old grizzled Lumberjack spat on the ground and said, "We ain't!"
The young man was shocked and asked "Well what do you guys do for entertainment?" The old Lumberjack spat again and replied" Come spring the Caribou come down from the hills and we just grab a female and have at it. We do it for a week!" The nineteen year old was taken aghast and retorted 'My God! What kind of animals are you men ? That's disgusting and I'll have no part of it!"
It was a long lonely winter out there in the North Woods and the young man was getting horny as all get out. He got to thinking about his Great Uncle Otis the Lawyer who was faced with a similar situation many years ago in a small town out on the frontier and thought to himself, "Why not?"
Finally spring arrived and one of the tree toppers high in the top of a tree shouted that long awaited call, "Caribou!" The lumberjacks dropped their axes and ran down to a meadow where the Caribou grazed on fresh grass. Each man grabbed a likely looking Caribou and went at it. The young man said "Oh the heck with it" and followed their lead. As he was fulfilling his lust the lumberjack crew stopped what they were doing and started pointing and laughing at him.The young man back off with his pants down to his ankles and said "What! You guys are doing it! Whats so darn funny?" The old Lumberjack spat on the ground again and with tears in his eyes said, "You got the ugly one!"
|09-06-2014 02:08 PM|
A lawyer from New York transferred to a small frontier town during
the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"
The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one."
"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie,and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."
|09-06-2014 02:01 PM|
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
|09-06-2014 05:09 AM|
my wifes so fat when she hauls ***... "butt" it takes two trips...
my kid is so dumb he had a temper tantrum and threw himself on the ground....and missed...
|09-02-2014 05:08 PM|
I just knew it !
Brains of elderly are slow because they know so much....
By Sarah Knapton, Science Correspondent
Older people do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall
facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up,
so too do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested
Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.
The human brain works slower in old age,” said Dr. Michael Ramscar,
“but only because we have stored more information over time
“The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they
get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory
problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!! We Are All Brilliant!
|08-30-2014 11:29 PM|
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
|08-30-2014 09:37 AM|
Call the proffesionals.
---------- Post added at 05:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:35 PM ----------
|08-25-2014 08:30 AM|
Woop Woop Woop Coffee Going Through Me
|08-25-2014 07:15 AM|
GGB = gotta getta beer
GGP = gotta go pee
|08-24-2014 11:20 PM|
Since it seems thre a few of us on here who are no longer "birthday deprived":
Here are some useful texting terms for us:
ATD - at the doctor's
BFF - best friends funeral
BTW - bring the wheelchair
CBM - covered by medicare
CUATSC - see you at the seniors centre
DWI - driving while incontinent
FWIW - Forgot where I was
GGPBL - Gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA - got heartburn again
HGBM - had good bowel movement
LMDO - laughing my dentures out
LOL - living on Lipitor
OMSG - oh my, sorry - gas
TOT - texting on toilet
WAITT - who am I talking to?
GGLKI - gotta go, laxative kicking in
|08-19-2014 06:25 PM|
|wretched ratchet||Take it? didn't Y'all invent it?|
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