|Today 10:45 AM|
LOL, Thats good Em!
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices Mr. Emmett standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at him: "Mr. Emmett is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers Emmett, "But it's quivering a bit!"
|Yesterday 09:33 PM|
Once upon a time
Olnolan ran into the Preacher in town
The Preacher said "I expect to see you in church Sunday !"
Olnolan replied "I really want to come, Preacher, but there's a NASCAR race that I don't want to miss !"
The Preacher put his arm around him and said "That's what recorders are for !"
Olnolan then replied "You mean I can record your sermon ?"
|Yesterday 11:15 AM|
Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris takes on Jean Claude van Damme in a one upmanship contest. "way to go Chuckie !"
Chuck Norris Just Put Van Damme's Epic Volvo Ad Completely to Shame | Independent Journal Review
|Yesterday 08:40 AM|
|dinger||Someone with a clever imagination and some auto skills went through a lot of work. Smart Dog Drives Smart Car - YouTube|
|12-19-2013 09:03 AM|
|12-16-2013 07:51 PM|
.....again, in time for Christmas:
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
|12-16-2013 07:39 PM|
Wow, a Car related Christmas Cartoon !
|12-15-2013 02:09 AM|
A couple had been married 15 years.
One afternoon, they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're putting weight on. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick & measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought; they're about the same size."
The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it honey? How about a little love-making?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
She replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ol' grill for one little weenie, do you?"
|12-14-2013 02:02 PM|
Famous Presidential Lies
George Washington: I did not chop down that tree.
LBJ: We were attacked (in the Gulf of Tonkin)
Nixon : I am not a crook
Clinton: I did not have sex with that woman...
Bush - 41: Read my lips - No new taxes
I will have the most transparent administration in history.
TARP is to fund shovel-ready jobs.
I am focused like a laser on creating jobs.
The IRS is not targeting anyone.
It was a spontaneous riot about a movie.
If I had a son.
I will put an end to the type of politics that "breeds division, conflict and cynicism".
You didn't build that!
I will restore trust in Government.
The Cambridge cops acted stupidly.
The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk
It's not my red line - it is the world's red line.
Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration.
We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest.
I am not spying on American citizens.
Obama Care will be good for America
You can keep your family doctor.
Premiums will be lowered by $2500.
If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan
It's just like shopping at Amazon
I knew nothing about "Fast and Furious" gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels
I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups
I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi
And the biggest one of all:
"I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America."
News: The famous LIARS club that meets annually in Minnesota has turned down Obama’s application as they do not allow professionals.
|12-13-2013 02:06 PM|
a good nurse
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily--if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was , "Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it
|12-12-2013 06:52 PM|
WR - they would be even funnier instead of sad, reflecting the state of our current top level of government.
PS: If you delete the above, feel free to dump this as well
So I'll add this 'un and non emotional:
A suburban yuppy was driving his Beemer on his way to an important sales meeting. He had a little extra time to get there and decided to take the scenic route through the country.
While driving through the middle of nowhere, that Chipotle bean burrito from the night before caught up to him and he was frantically hoping to find a bathroom...any bathroom...with no prospects as he sped down the country road. Suddenly, he spied a rustic farmhouse and zipped into the gravel driveway.
Knocking on the front door, desperately hoping someone was home, he was rewarded when the farmer's wife opened the door and asked if she could help him. He quickly blurted out that he needed to use a bathroom at that very moment. She pointed him to the backyard and a small structure with 2 doors side by side.
He ran to it and opened up one of the doors. To his surprise, there were two seats side-by-side...and one of them had the farmer sitting on it. With no time explain or apologize, he dropped his drawers and took his seat with not a second to spare.
As he sat percolating a bit more, the farmer finished and when he raised his trousers, a quarter fell out of his pocket and down the hole. The farmer took a quick peek into the dark, stank and then did something the yuppy salesman couldn't believe. The farmer pulled out his wallet and dropped a $100 bill down the hole.
The salesman who hadn't said a word the entire time couldn't resist blurting out, "Why in the world did you just throw a $100 bill down there?!?"
The farmer looked at him and blinked and said incredulously, "Well, ya don't expect me to go down there for just a quarter, do ya?"
|12-12-2013 06:02 PM|
ONLY 12 shopping day until Christmas !
Better get your order in soon 'cause there's a limited supply !
Obama Commemorative 'Scandal' Plates | CNS News
Delete if necessary but it's all in fun !
|12-12-2013 02:49 PM|
|12-10-2013 12:44 PM|
"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."
"What did she do?" someone asked.
"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "That every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!"
|12-09-2013 12:41 PM|
Update on cinderella
UPDATE ON CINDERELLA
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair,
watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere,appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella,
you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration,
she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says: "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind, and handsome, young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful, the likes of him neither she, nor the world, had ever seen. The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man, she had ever seen
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath,
as he whispered ...
"Bet now you're sorry you had me neutered" Shocked
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