|Yesterday 12:41 PM|
Update on cinderella
UPDATE ON CINDERELLA
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair,
watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere,appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella,
you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration,
she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says: "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind, and handsome, young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful, the likes of him neither she, nor the world, had ever seen. The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man, she had ever seen
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath,
as he whispered ...
"Bet now you're sorry you had me neutered" Shocked
|Yesterday 09:54 AM|
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son of a b-i-t-c-h!"
|12-07-2013 02:35 PM|
It's cold in the USA!
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
|12-04-2013 06:17 PM|
|12-04-2013 02:32 PM|
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would
pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 7 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
|12-02-2013 11:07 AM|
The REAL definition!!
Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:
“We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it”
A physician called into radio talk show and said about that statement:
"That's the definition of a stool sample".
That pretty well sums it up.
|12-02-2013 10:18 AM|
The $50 Lesson
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?” She replied… “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”
Her parents beamed with pride!
“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I said. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that!” I told her.
“What do you mean?” she replied.
So I told her, “You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I’ll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”
I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
|11-29-2013 04:19 PM|
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.
After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.'
|11-29-2013 07:16 AM|
A married couple were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly into eachothers eyes and holding hands.
The waitress, taking an order at another table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the man slid out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior was a bit risqué and thought it might offend the other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He's just walked in the door."
|11-27-2013 01:50 PM|
So, my wife asked me to go to the grocery for her.
I need you to get a carton of milk.
Ok, I said.
Oh, and if they have eggs get six.
She asked, why did you get 6 cartons of milk.
I answered....cause they had eggs.
|11-27-2013 01:10 PM|
|11-27-2013 12:34 PM|
|11-25-2013 11:38 AM|
|11-25-2013 11:03 AM|
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than men getting kicked in the groin? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the groin. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the groin is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never ever hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another good kick in the groin."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
|11-25-2013 08:56 AM|
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"
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