|Today 02:48 PM|
|Today 02:06 PM|
The looks are priceless!
|Today 12:55 PM|
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is: BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees: Is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executive and officers is: GOLF.
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the
Smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles!
|Today 12:52 PM|
I became confused when I heard the word " Service" being used with these agencies:
1, Internal Revenue "Service".
2, U.S. Postal "Service".
3, Telephone "Service".
4, Cable T.V. "Service".
5, Civil "Service".
6, State, City, County & Public "Service".
7, Customer "Service".
This is not what I thought "Service" meant.
But today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!
|Today 12:15 PM|
A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday, I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
|Today 08:00 AM|
mother in law..............
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
|02-23-2015 03:56 PM|
|02-23-2015 02:08 PM|
|02-23-2015 01:47 PM|
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
|02-21-2015 05:06 PM|
|wretched ratchet||Beer is just all grain cereal in a bottle !|
|02-21-2015 04:42 PM|
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
|02-21-2015 11:34 AM|
A teacher placed a worm into a bottle of water.
Then he took it out and placed it into a bottle of alcohol where it promptly died.
"What does this tell us ?" he asked the class.
"If you donīt want worms, drink alcohol" came the reply.
|02-21-2015 09:47 AM|
|02-21-2015 08:58 AM|
|malc||I donīt drink water, fish **** in it....W.C. Fields.|
|02-21-2015 05:53 AM|
A glass of wine (or whatever adult beverages you fancy)
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand:
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 quart or so of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 2 pounds of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming over 2 pounds of poop annually.
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of Crap.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
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