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Topic Review (Newest First)
Yesterday 07:06 AM
wretched ratchet
Anyone Relate to this one? GRRRRRRR
10-23-2014 11:21 PM
rossco A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple.
The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details.
To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures.
The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"
10-23-2014 09:06 AM
MisterT An elderly woman, knowing her time was running short, went to get her tombstone. She got her information, and when asked what the inscription should read, she replied "I was born a virgin, lived a virgin, and died a virgin." Some time later, the woman passed, and when the time came to finalize the inscription, there wasn't enough room to put all of her epitaph on the stone. When it was delivered, it instead read "Returned Unopened."
10-22-2014 12:23 PM
malc In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you my dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they go to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to this date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
10-22-2014 08:07 AM
malc An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher..
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
10-16-2014 05:05 PM
too funny

This 84 year old man is so funny!!
10-15-2014 02:52 PM
10-14-2014 10:11 AM
boothboy Just a second thought.

10-14-2014 10:00 AM
boothboy Just a thought.

10-14-2014 09:13 AM
Irelands child
The Chicago way

The Chicago way.....

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the your Government works.
10-09-2014 02:13 PM
Originally Posted by malc View Post
Hey! I think I dated her in the 80's!!!

10-09-2014 01:23 PM
10-09-2014 12:49 PM

That way the sheep pushes backwards........

You know, A good sheep will do that anyway, err, at least that's what I've been told.
10-09-2014 10:24 AM
Originally Posted by malc View Post

Itīs errr something I heard.......a long time ago......honest.....
I believe you.

There are many folks who wouldn't, but I believe you were just helping that poor sheep climb over the fence!
10-09-2014 10:02 AM
malc What you do when youīve picked out a "pretty" sheep
is get it facing off a steep drop and place itīs hind legs into your wellington boots.

That way the sheep pushes backwards........

Itīs errr something I heard.......a long time ago......honest.....
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