|Yesterday 02:43 PM|
And they say Wimmin don't like to do washing !
|04-11-2014 06:57 AM|
|04-11-2014 06:31 AM|
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh--no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled fifty and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
|04-07-2014 08:31 AM|
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation,
just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test,
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high
enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
|04-06-2014 11:38 PM|
A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the feck had sex with my wife?" he snarled.........
A voice was heard in the background "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
|04-03-2014 09:41 PM|
|04-03-2014 09:12 PM|
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..
‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.
‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.
Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
|04-03-2014 02:27 PM|
|04-03-2014 11:01 AM|
Stick with it to the end....
|04-01-2014 02:33 PM|
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me and slapped me on the a**.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”
I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”
She said, “I sure do."
I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
My dental surgery is on Monday..................
|03-25-2014 03:35 PM|
|03-19-2014 01:54 PM|
Wisdom - Why I Owe My Mother
Why I Owe My Mother ...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM:
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM:
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
But wait, there is one more .....
26. My mother taught me about CHOICE:
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
|03-15-2014 07:02 PM|
Just some thoughts........
*I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
*It's lonely at the top. But you do eat better.
*You can't have everything..Where would you put it?
*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
*We were born naked, wet, and hungry and it's then that things get worse.
*I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They are everywhere.
*IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
*I just let my mind wander...And it didn't come back.
*The more people I meet..the more I like my dog.
*Eat right, stay fit, die anyway
*Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
*I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
|03-14-2014 10:56 AM|
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ...... Back and forth ... Back and forth ..... In and out .......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the End.
Her heart was pounding ..... Her face was flushed .....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted -
"Okay, Okay !! I can’t park the car !!! You do it, you smug SOB !!!!!"
|03-13-2014 07:14 AM|
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message board or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to finish a text
LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem.
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat %$#@! before dinner.
|This thread has more than 15 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.|