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Topic Review (Newest First)
06-28-2015 01:33 PM
wretched ratchet
Racial Profiling ?

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"

He says "No, why the "bleep" you ask me that?
Is it because I am Chinese?"


"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little $@%#."
06-24-2015 03:33 PM
whinny I like it,lol
06-24-2015 03:23 PM
rossco Three bodies turn up at the mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate further.

After the coroner had completed his examination of the three deceased he prepared his report for the police.

First body is that of Pierre Dubois, a Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20 year old mistress, hence the smile.

The second body is that of Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won 50,000 pounds on the lottery. Spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.

The third body is that of Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, died after being struck by lightning.
At the time of death, Paddy thought he was having his photo taken, hence the smile.
06-16-2015 07:20 PM
rossco A man and woman were seated next to each other on a flight when the woman sneezed, then took out a tissue and gently wiped her nose. Immediately after she visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to reading his book.
A few minutes later the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue and gently wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said "I couldn't help but notice that you have sneezed twice now, wiped your nose with a tissue then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I have disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. You see, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm"

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before. Are you taking something for it?"

"Yes...I take pepper"
06-15-2015 05:19 AM
Irelands child
Retired Person's Perspective

*Retired Person's Perspective*


1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying
let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much
faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are
holding a gun, she's probably upset.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink
like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone
you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the
Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If
you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege
06-15-2015 04:00 AM
malc Wooohooo!!!
Just found $12.86 and a hat outside the train station.
I thought some guy was going to pick them up but he seemed more interested in playing his guitar.
06-13-2015 08:56 AM
wretched ratchet
In reference to Northstar T's post !

"That's about what it a'MOUNDS to !"

(see there Russ ain't the only one that can lay a rotten egg )
06-12-2015 11:07 PM
whinny Ok you,a merry cans, malc will like this I think, but this is the original programme made which morfed into your all in the family Archie bunker and co.

I grew up with this English humour, it's some of the funniest episode there is, the other episode is the 3 day week.
It's very very funny, prolly not PC as we have today. Special appearance by spike Milligan as the Pakistani train traveller.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LwltHgRVVcw

Later gator
Russ
06-12-2015 10:42 PM
whinny
Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
It's the way ya tell it, lol

Later gator
Russ
06-12-2015 08:26 PM
Northstar T OLD VERSION



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.




The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and
laughs and dances and plays the summer away.



Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.


The grasshopper has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.




MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:




Be responsible for yourself!

================================================== ================================================== =


MODERN VERSION




The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and
laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving..


CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to
provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home
with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.



How can this be, that in a country of such wealth,
this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?


Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the
grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing,
'It's Not Easy Being Green ...'




Occupy the Anthill stages a demonstration in front of the ant's
house where the news stations film the SEIU group singing,
We shall overcome.




Then Rev Al Sharpton's assistant
has the group kneel down to pray for thegrasshopper
while he damns the ants. The Reverend Al can not attend as he has contractual commitments to appear on his MSNBC show for which he is paid over two million dollars a year to complain that rich people do not care.




President Obama condemns the ant and blames
President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's
plight..



Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview on
The View that the ant has gotten rich off the back of
the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike
on the ant to make him pay his fair share.



Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-
Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.




The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number
of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive
taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar
and given to the grasshopper .

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens
to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because thegrasshopper doesn't maintain it.



The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.


The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest
of the free world with it.


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Be careful how you vote
06-12-2015 07:27 PM
wretched ratchet
06-12-2015 06:16 PM
whinny I just went to that new risqué pirate movie last night with wife
It was rated arrrrrrrrrr.

Later gator
Russ
Best I could come up with ,lol
06-11-2015 03:11 AM
rossco A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant.
An absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table and gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she will she him later.

The wife glares at her husband and demands "who was that?"
"Oh" replies the husband. "that is my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw. I have had enough. I want a divorce" says the wife.

"I can understand that" replies her husband, "but just remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winters in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more sports car in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then a colleague of the husband's enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who is that woman with Matt?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress" says her husband.
"Ours is prettier" she replies
06-10-2015 12:58 PM
malc A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."
"Well, It was my first day with the hook."
06-10-2015 12:45 AM
rossco A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with he pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his f...........!! wife"!
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