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Topic Review (Newest First)
Today 12:23 PM
malc In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you my dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they go to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to this date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Today 08:07 AM
malc An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher..
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"


The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"


The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"


By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
10-16-2014 05:05 PM
carsavvycook
too funny

This 84 year old man is so funny!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6uq4OCla2c
10-15-2014 02:52 PM
malc
10-14-2014 10:11 AM
boothboy Just a second thought.

BB
10-14-2014 10:00 AM
boothboy Just a thought.

BB
10-14-2014 09:13 AM
Irelands child
The Chicago way

The Chicago way.....



Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."



The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."



The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."



"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the your Government works.
10-09-2014 02:13 PM
boothboy
Quote:
Originally Posted by malc View Post
Hey! I think I dated her in the 80's!!!

BB
10-09-2014 01:23 PM
malc
10-09-2014 12:49 PM
OLNOLAN
Lol

That way the sheep pushes backwards........

You know, A good sheep will do that anyway, err, at least that's what I've been told.
10-09-2014 10:24 AM
Dave57210
Quote:
Originally Posted by malc View Post



Itīs errr something I heard.......a long time ago......honest.....
I believe you.

There are many folks who wouldn't, but I believe you were just helping that poor sheep climb over the fence!
10-09-2014 10:02 AM
malc What you do when youīve picked out a "pretty" sheep
is get it facing off a steep drop and place itīs hind legs into your wellington boots.

That way the sheep pushes backwards........






Itīs errr something I heard.......a long time ago......honest.....
10-09-2014 07:39 AM
OLNOLAN
Old but good

An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any hair "down there. "

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the entire dart team hadn't!"
10-09-2014 07:33 AM
OLNOLAN
Lol

There was an English steelworker who had dreamed of being a farmer. So he scrimped and saved for 15 years and then he bought a little sheep farm on a mountain in Wales.

He went about farming and discovered that he loved it. But he was lonely, so one evening he bicycled 10 miles to the closest pub. The only other customers were two older men in a corner playing dominoes.

"Where are all the women?" the new farmer asked.

"You'll not find any women in these parts, I'm afraid! Not in many years!" replied one of the old men.

"So what do you do for, uh, companionship?"

"When the urge overwhelms you, you just grab a sheep and give it a good shagging! No shame in it-- we all have to do it."

The new farmer said that was disgusting and he would never do it, drained his pint and went home. But a month later, he was in a sheep field and feeling so randy that he couldn't take it any more. He grabbed a sheep, got on his knees and starting humping it. Suddenly, a peal of laughter broke out behind him. He spun his head around and saw the old farmers, who were cutting across his field and were now pointing, laughing and pounding their knees.

"You said that everyone around here shags sheep!" yelled the new farmer as he pulled his pants back up.

"Yeah," replied one of the old men. "But we don't shag the ugly ones!"
10-09-2014 04:32 AM
malc
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