|Yesterday 07:02 PM|
Just some thoughts........
*I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
*It's lonely at the top. But you do eat better.
*You can't have everything..Where would you put it?
*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
*We were born naked, wet, and hungry and it's then that things get worse.
*I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They are everywhere.
*IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
*I just let my mind wander...And it didn't come back.
*The more people I meet..the more I like my dog.
*Eat right, stay fit, die anyway
*Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
*I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
|03-14-2014 10:56 AM|
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ...... Back and forth ... Back and forth ..... In and out .......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the End.
Her heart was pounding ..... Her face was flushed .....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted -
"Okay, Okay !! I can’t park the car !!! You do it, you smug SOB !!!!!"
|03-13-2014 07:14 AM|
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message board or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to finish a text
LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem.
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat %$#@! before dinner.
|03-13-2014 12:09 AM|
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again for the fourth time.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with that jewelry store ad. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
|03-12-2014 11:58 PM|
A travellin' salesman breaks down on a rural back road in Alabama.
As the sun starts to set he decides he'd better find a farm soon and secure some lodging for the evening.
He approaches a farmhouse after walking many miles and knocks on the door. A weathered looking farmer opens the door, the salesman explains his situation and asks if they could put him up for the night. The farmer says "sure we can find room for you but you'll have to sleep with my son".
The salesman replies, "Oh, never mind, I'm in the wrong joke".
|03-12-2014 01:52 PM|
The Great Lao-Tsu said:
"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize.........
there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."
|03-09-2014 02:20 PM|
dont mess with old folks............
|03-09-2014 07:52 AM|
spousal support ?
The cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"
The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"
The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
|03-05-2014 01:22 AM|
My Anger Management Course
Anger Management 101
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know ....... take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that nyone could be so rude.
I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a jerk!!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'jerk' next to it and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up, yell, "You're a jerk!" and hang up.
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'jerk' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW roared up,cut me off and pulled into the spot I had so patiently waited for.... I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window . . so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first 'jerk', (I now had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW jerk, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
" Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you at home, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?"
"Don, you're a jerk." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two jerks to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called jerk #1.
"Hello." I yelled "You're an jerk! (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen.."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Well jerk, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, it's a yellow house with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, jerk."
Then I called jerk #2.
"Hello?" he said. "Hello, jerk," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your butt," he screamed.
I answered, "Well, jerk, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my cheating gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
When I got there, I saw the two jerks beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.
NOW, I feel better - This "Anger Management" class I took really worked!
|03-04-2014 06:39 AM|
Windows vs. Ford (or GM or Fiat-Chrysler or ....)
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
If Ford (or.....) had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash...twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9......... Every time a new model was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some almost non understandable English how to fix your car yourself!!!!
|03-03-2014 04:18 PM|
|03-03-2014 09:07 AM|
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!"fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the
"pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been
doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?"
|02-27-2014 04:48 AM|
For those who appreciate the intricacies of the English language...the Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some of this year's winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
|02-26-2014 07:04 PM|
Life in the Australian Army
Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid to Mum and Dad:
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the cattle show last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
|02-24-2014 10:04 PM|
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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