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Topic Review (Newest First)
Today 07:31 PM
evolvo You can always tell a yust can't tell him much!

Ballard is a neighborhood in Seattle that was founded by Norwegians:

On May 17th (Norwegian independence day) there is always a big parade down Market St in Ballard. All the Norwegians line one side of Market and the Swedes line the other. The Norwegians like to throw firecrackers at the Swedes, then the Swedes pick them up, light them and throw them back at the Norwegians!

This is the joke thread, right
Today 05:28 PM
boothboy Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "

Today 01:58 PM
malc After a very long dry spell an out of work actor finally gets a part.....a one liner.
All he has to do is walk on, say "Hark.....a cannon."

As he is out of practice he goes about practicing his line, over and over.

Finally his big night arrives, the theater is full, tension in the air.

He walks on, the cannon roars......

"WHAT the **** !!!!"

Today 01:39 PM
wretched ratchet Dan, see what you started? It's all your fault yanno
Today 11:56 AM
evolvo Ole and Helga where having a bit of trouble in the bedroom after so many years of marriage. Helga suggested they go to a sex counselor to see if they could figure out the problem. After a few sessions the counselor concluded that Ole was out of shape and needed some exercise to bring his libido back up. She suggested that he walk two miles per day and call her after thirty days to report on his progress.
After walking two miles per day for thirty days as the counselor had suggested Ole called her up. The counselor asked him if his performance in the bedroom had improved?
" How the hell would I know, I'm sixty miles from home!!!"
Today 11:01 AM
wretched ratchet The Joke Domino Effect. (sorry Dinger)

One time Ole got himself a job driving a Limo for the local Dynasty and he was sent to the airport to pick up the Pope. After he had picked up "his highness" and was headed back the Pope asked how it was to drive a long stretch Limo. Ole replied that it was pretty cool and asked if he would like to drive, so they switched places.

As they were going down the Freeway a man saw them and immediately got on his cell phone to his wife. "Darling, I have just seen the most important person in the World" his wife replied "Who is it, Dear?" and he replied "I don't know but he has the Pope for a Chauffer !"
Today 09:31 AM
dinger Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone der is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it."

Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you!

You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyvon else," Ole says. ''President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Ya sure," Ole says, "I know him. "We’ll fly out to Washington to see him."

Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Ole. "I've known the Pope a long time."

The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Fifteen minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,

'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?'
07-03-2015 03:08 PM
Irelands child
Originally Posted by malc View Post
"Most weeks seem to go by so quickly.
I have come to the conclusion that life works like the fuel gauge in a car, you start with a full tank and it is ages before the needle even moves.
It steadily moves along to half way, then in the blink of an eye the warning light is on."

I couldn't resist stealing that, a good analogy.

...and in the same tone, this is for the oldies but good folks here. You youngun' can watch "In The Land That Made Me, Me" to and get an idea of where we came from as well.

Dave W
07-03-2015 02:54 PM
malc "Most weeks seem to go by so quickly.
I have come to the conclusion that life works like the fuel gauge in a car, you start with a full tank and it is ages before the needle even moves.
It steadily moves along to half way, then in the blink of an eye the warning light is on."

I couldīnt resist stealing that, a good analogy.
07-03-2015 10:46 AM
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
Being chased by the Railroad Workers, a beautiful Lady headed for the Roundhouse thinking surely she couldn't be cornered there.
Blonde ?
07-03-2015 09:24 AM
evolvo Two meaningful oxymoron's:

Giant Shrimp

Scotch Bright (Brite)
07-03-2015 07:18 AM
boothboy The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Groucho Marx

07-03-2015 06:37 AM
wretched ratchet Being chased by the Railroad Workers, a beautiful Lady headed for the Roundhouse thinking surely she couldn't be cornered there.
07-03-2015 01:44 AM
malc Sirloin itīs been good to gnaw you......
07-02-2015 09:41 PM
Originally Posted by Dave57210 View Post
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I have never met herbivore

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