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Topic Review (Newest First)
Yesterday 04:08 PM
whinny Ain't that the truth about clothes, if we are going away for a week, it always amazes me the difference between me and my wife. I put 7 shirts, 7 pairs ( why call them pairs when there's only 1) underpants, 2 pairs of socks, in case we go somewhere flash.a pair of good shoes( brothel creepers) some thongs,and my toiletries. This all fits in an overnight bag, bout 750mm long by 400mm high and wide.
My wife has a bag like mine just for her makeup and toiletries. Then 2 medium to large suitcases. Then a medium sizes handbag full of god knows what else. I take 5 mins to pack, she starts the day before we go away. I can't get my head around it.!!

Later gator
Yesterday 02:02 PM

kids do listen at times. here is an example:

a little boy sitting on the toilet because he has diarrhea tells his mom he needs viagra.

she replies "Why on earth would you need that ?"

he says "isnt that what you give Dad when his crap wont get hard ????"
Yesterday 11:44 AM
Originally Posted by Irelands child View Post
Since the holidays are about here, it might be time for this reminder:

Men Are Just Happier People -- and why???


A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
If a man blows a B Flat out of his butt, his buddies gag a little and say "Good one!!"

Yesterday 09:46 AM
Irelands child
Just a reminder

Since the holidays are about here, it might be time for this reminder:

Men Are Just Happier People -- and why???

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color.. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives. On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.


If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.


When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
11-22-2015 04:21 PM
11-22-2015 11:56 AM
malc After retiring, a former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence..............
The rest of the year went smoothly.
11-22-2015 11:31 AM
11-21-2015 09:49 PM
boothboy One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny b**tard."

11-21-2015 09:45 PM
Originally Posted by malc View Post


11-21-2015 06:05 PM
wretched ratchet
Oldie but ?Goodie?

The day before school was to let out for the Holidays, Miss Abigail's third grade class were lined up with their gifts. The first student's parents owned a candy store and in the box was some candy. The second student's parents owned a flower shop and naturally there were flowers in their gift box. Then came, Boomer, whose Dad owned a Liquor Store. He placed his gift box on her desk and she noticed a wet spot on the side. Knowing that Boomer was noted for being a prankster she touched the wet spot with her finger and then put it to her tongue to taste it. Still puzzled about what was inside and nervous also she touched the spot again and tasted it. Then she sternly looked at Boomer and asked if it was Alcohol. Boomer just smiled and said "No, Miss Abigail, it's a puppy.
11-21-2015 03:13 PM

11-12-2015 01:51 AM
malc I wrote a song today its called "Broken Alarm Clock Blues"..
It starts like, "Woke up this afternoon".
11-10-2015 07:30 PM
bentwings Haha...snerk...gag. Orange juice coming out of my nose onto the keyboard.
11-10-2015 01:06 AM
dinger George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a
million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6
million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.

When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil
why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over,
the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
11-07-2015 09:35 AM
boothboy An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers on them above the walls light up. They continued
to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls
opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

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