|03-09-2014 02:20 PM|
dont mess with old folks............
|03-09-2014 07:52 AM|
spousal support ?
The cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"
The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"
The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
|03-05-2014 01:22 AM|
My Anger Management Course
Anger Management 101
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know ....... take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that nyone could be so rude.
I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a jerk!!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'jerk' next to it and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up, yell, "You're a jerk!" and hang up.
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'jerk' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW roared up,cut me off and pulled into the spot I had so patiently waited for.... I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window . . so, I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first 'jerk', (I now had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW jerk, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
" Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you at home, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?"
"Don, you're a jerk." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two jerks to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called jerk #1.
"Hello." I yelled "You're an jerk! (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen.."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Well jerk, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, it's a yellow house with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, jerk."
Then I called jerk #2.
"Hello?" he said. "Hello, jerk," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your butt," he screamed.
I answered, "Well, jerk, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my cheating gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
When I got there, I saw the two jerks beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.
NOW, I feel better - This "Anger Management" class I took really worked!
|03-04-2014 06:39 AM|
Windows vs. Ford (or GM or Fiat-Chrysler or ....)
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
If Ford (or.....) had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash...twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9......... Every time a new model was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some almost non understandable English how to fix your car yourself!!!!
|03-03-2014 04:18 PM|
|03-03-2014 09:07 AM|
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!"fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the
"pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been
doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?"
|02-27-2014 04:48 AM|
For those who appreciate the intricacies of the English language...the Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some of this year's winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
|02-26-2014 07:04 PM|
Life in the Australian Army
Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid to Mum and Dad:
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the cattle show last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
|02-24-2014 10:04 PM|
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
|02-24-2014 08:35 AM|
Can't top that one but this one gets close:
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
|02-23-2014 02:34 PM|
|02-23-2014 01:14 PM|
We had a power cut at home this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad
& my new surround sound music system all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
|02-20-2014 09:11 AM|
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
|02-20-2014 12:20 AM|
|02-19-2014 04:44 PM|
|This thread has more than 15 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.|