|Today 10:15 AM|
|Today 09:12 AM|
|Today 06:44 AM|
.........and today's thought:
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
|01-29-2015 08:52 PM|
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over
in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires
only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays
its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years,
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter
how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man can forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
|01-29-2015 08:42 PM|
Three Holy Men And Three Bears
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, one of them made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'Well, brothers, you know that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
|01-29-2015 04:02 PM|
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd Like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really"
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held In such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging His wife.
|01-28-2015 05:45 PM|
|Dave57210||Sign on a hi-tech machine|
|01-28-2015 04:17 PM|
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly with a swagger, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope' she said.
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different Now?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'Do you know why it's hanging down?'
'Nope', she replied.
'It's hanging down cause it's looking at my new boots!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'I really wish you would have bought a frikken hat then'
|01-28-2015 08:45 AM|
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE BRILLIANT MIND THAT CAN THINK UP SUCH A SIMPLE BUT EFFECTIVE SECURITY SYSTEM???
TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armoured booth you step into, that will not X-ray you but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:
"Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!"
What a simple and brilliant idea! I particularly like the ‘spare’ seat announcement!! Maybe we should use it here in the US...
|01-26-2015 11:59 AM|
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred
Isis "S.O.B.s". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought .... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There's two of them.
|01-21-2015 02:56 PM|
doctor in training.....
A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his house calls so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that doesn't do the trick?"
As they left, the younger doctor said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh!," the younger doctor exclaimed, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it so fast?"
"Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
|01-21-2015 05:54 AM|
|bubba1955||Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, I am, but you started it."|
|01-20-2015 08:11 AM|
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
|01-20-2015 08:05 AM|
You’re An EXTREME Redneck When
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
|01-20-2015 08:01 AM|
One winter morning a husband and wife in southern Winnipeg
were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park..." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her
face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the
street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
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