|Today 02:27 AM|
I know this is corny but, why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequila te kill her
I always tell that when I go into a new bar. Breaks the ice.
|04-30-2015 11:50 PM|
Adam, an elderly man was seated in the doctor's waiting room.
When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room.
After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright.
Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement.
'That must be a miracle doctor in there.' he exclaimed. 'What treatment did he give you? What's his secret?'
Adam stared at Paul and said, 'Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analysed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.'
|04-30-2015 11:27 PM|
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Isn't the animal world amazing!
|04-30-2015 07:05 PM|
THE NEW GENERATION
Daughter: "Daddy, I am coming home to get married. Take out your checkbook. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in California and he lives in New York . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viper. Dad, I need your blessings, good wishes, and a big wedding."
Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through PayPal. And if you get fed up with your husband....sell him on E bay."
|04-30-2015 05:16 PM|
Attention Dads !
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!
|04-29-2015 10:20 PM|
This is not a joke, but it's soooo funny. Starts a bit slow but then the laughter.
The guy lost his job for laughing.
|04-29-2015 09:17 AM|
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
|04-29-2015 01:28 AM|
The Laws of Ultimate Reality:
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the phone will ring.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Insurance: Insurance will cover everything except what happens.
Law of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
Law of Wet Paint: People will believe you without question when you tell them there are four billion stars in the universe, but will always check when you say the paint is still wet.
|04-29-2015 01:27 AM|
Bumper stickers that should exist:
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
God must love stupid people; he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
The first 10 commandments are the hardest.
People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.
I am logged in.....therefore, I am.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.
If your'e doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
|04-27-2015 01:03 PM|
if you think spelling is important...
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
|04-27-2015 11:49 AM|
A drunk is staggering down Bourbon Street after the Bars have all closed and he hears a "Lady of the Evening" (er early morning), on the balcony above say to him.
"Hey big boy, why don't you come up here and I'll give you something you ain't never had before !"
The drunk looks up and shouts back
"No way, Lady, I don't want no leprosy !"
|04-25-2015 09:50 AM|
A FEW MUSINGS FROM A RETIRED PERSON (Me that is)
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,537 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. To the dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan? (i.e think "Psycho")
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
|04-25-2015 08:48 AM|
A guy on a golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,
he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going
on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every
way'. The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint
to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.' He
took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint,
and taped it all together, an impressive work of art. The guy
mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their
honeymoon. That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first;
no one has EVER touched these.' He immediately drops his pants and
replies, .....'Look at this, ......still in the CRATE!'*
|04-24-2015 01:04 PM|
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.
The priest replied:
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said,
"That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
|04-23-2015 11:23 PM|
A small effeminate male walks into the Army recruiting office, says to the big gruff voiced recruitment Sarge in a squeaky voice, "I'd like to be a soldier"
The big sarge laughs and asks him a few questions, finishing with, "Could you kill a man?"
The little darling replied with a lovely smile on his face, "Eventually"
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