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Topic Review (Newest First)
Yesterday 12:21 AM
whinny
Quote:
Originally Posted by FASTFORD View Post
A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.”Good morning,” said the young man.

“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

“Go away!” said the old woman. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said.

“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

In addition, with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old woman stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a darned good appetite sonny, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
That joke reached here about 10 years ago,lol.

I haven't got a joke but let me tell you something about me and it's also funny, depending what sex you are.my wife and I bait each other a it and one day she had being giving me hell winding me up. I had to fill my hilux up with diesel so pulled into my local gas station. Filled up and got a car wash. ( you know where this is heading?) got in line then punched code in and drove in. As the jets of water started I waited until they got to her window, then used the button to unwind her window to half way then back up again, you shoulda seen the arms flying around. She laughed about it later on. She always has her finger on the control button now when going through.
Later gator
Russ
07-26-2015 02:10 PM
FASTFORD
dont be hasty.....

A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.”Good morning,” said the young man.

“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

“Go away!” said the old woman. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said.

“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

In addition, with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old woman stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a darned good appetite sonny, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
07-24-2015 07:40 AM
Irelands child .....and now for us more mature folks



...
07-24-2015 07:32 AM
Irelands child Just a reminder to me about a trip I made to the doctor's office this week - a payment for some 'sins of youth'



Dave W
07-24-2015 06:50 AM
wretched ratchet thanks, Malc, good healthy info is always welcome - - I control mine by elevating my head at night and NOT EATING ANYTHING after 6:30pm. If I do then I stay up for an extra hour or pay the price. Just had Habenero Salsa on my breakfast tacos but that's OK as long as I don't lay down - - -
07-23-2015 09:30 PM
whinny Malc, after an operation 9 years ago I starting getting reflux. I don't like pills either so although I have pills for reflux I don't take them. I just manage my food and bevy intakes.

Only meds is bp and a pill a day for pain.

I always get a laugh with that joke though

Later gator
Russ
07-22-2015 03:16 AM
malc Tip; no joke, do not ignore acid reflux, before you take over the counter meds see a doctor.
07-21-2015 06:42 PM
whinny
Quote:
Originally Posted by evolvo View Post
Russ, are you talking about this stuff?

Gaviscon®: Acid Reflux and Heartburn Medication
That's the stuff, if you guys know what it is I can tell you a joke. It's one that tickles me.

If I run into someone I haven't seen for a while when they ask how I am, I say I just went to a funeral of a good mate Gavin smith who I went to school with. He died of a massive reflux overload. When they say oh that's terrible, I then say yeah, we're going to miss him now that gavisgone ( Gavin's gone) lol.

Later gator
Russ
07-21-2015 03:25 PM
evolvo
Quote:
Originally Posted by whinny View Post
Lol, I can never remember jokes.
Do you guys in your countries have gavisgone?

Later gator
Russ
Russ, are you talking about this stuff?

Gaviscon®: Acid Reflux and Heartburn Medication
07-21-2015 02:54 PM
richard stewart 3rd A man was drinking in a British pub when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "
"Hay are you two ladies from Ireland?" He asked.
"It's Wales, you friggin idiot" "I'm sorry," the man said, "Are you two Whales from Ireland?"
07-21-2015 10:45 AM
boothboy
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irelands child View Post
The one I relate best to is #3,

"I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off"

Even on the best days I have little patience and never have had and advancing in my seniorhood years kicking and screaming doesn't help either

Dave W
Advancing? Heck I'm on a run away train towards it!

BB
07-21-2015 09:20 AM
Irelands child The one I relate best to is #3,

"I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off"

Even on the best days I have little patience and never have had and advancing in my seniorhood years kicking and screaming doesn't help either

Dave W
07-21-2015 08:47 AM
TucsonJay The funniest part is that this seems more truth than humor! {:-)
07-21-2015 07:21 AM
malc AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert
advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management.
I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine.
It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell
myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember
it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.
Now it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible
to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can
muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the
dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes
smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them
on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than
please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

12.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
07-21-2015 07:17 AM
malc Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:"You see that bridge over there ?"
"The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place."
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town.
He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvelous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there ?’
The Spaniard replied........‘No.’
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