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Topic Review (Newest First)
Yesterday 11:14 PM
7nomad8 The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all
single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
12-21-2016 08:30 AM
boothboy A BLONDE & HER WAITRESS

PreviousNext
Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?
A: "What did you name the other one?"

BB
12-21-2016 08:22 AM
itchyWillys When we were kids my cousin and I met an honest to goodness Penobscot working in the General Store while camping in Maine. We asked him what the weather would be and for three days he was right on the money. The fourth day we asked he said, "I don't know, didn't read the newspaper this morning."

Our faith in Indian nature lore was crushed.
12-21-2016 08:16 AM
itchyWillys stay away from the creme filled ones!
12-21-2016 08:00 AM
Irelands child If you are over 60, especially, you were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways. I recall my mom, mostly, saying many of these to me :

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." (In my case it was all those starving children in India, etc., don't have enough to eat so you had better eat your green/lima beans).

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
12-20-2016 10:40 AM
Irelands child This is just outright funny. I don't care who you voted for but the stupidity of some of the 'elite' is unreal.

12-11-2016 10:20 AM
boothboy I've been looking for this place all my life!!

BB
12-10-2016 10:12 AM
malc Donīt you know the guy.....Thomas Weeks from Misfit Garage ?

Twins separated at birth....
12-09-2016 04:48 PM
7nomad8 Good thing the guy in the top picture is wearing a hat and t-shirt. Are they twins, or what?
12-09-2016 03:26 PM
malc

12-04-2016 12:45 PM
malc A Native American in Michigan wondered if this winter was going to be harsh.
As his elders seemed to be pretty consistent at weather-forecasting, he went to his chief and asked about the weather.
The Chief went to the elders who said that prediction was something they no longer knew how to do but that he should ask the weatherman.
The chief called the weatherman and asked what the winter was going to be like, the weatherman said he wasn't sure, but it looked like it was going to be pretty cold.
The chief reported this to the tribe member, and the tribe member thought "You know, I should start preparing with a bit of extra wood." A month goes by and it's still warm.
The member goes back to the chief and says "What's up with the weather?" Chief says "I dunno, I'll check with the 'elders'".
Chief calls the weatherman and the weatherman says "Well, it's getting clearer, it's going to be a tough winter."
Member gets the news and piles even more wood.
A month rolls by and the same question "Why is it still warm?" Chief asks the weatherman and the weatherman says, "Oh it's getting clearer, it's going to be really cold."
Chief tells the member to button up, so the member then stockpiles everything.
Another month goes by, it's still warm, and the member asks again "Why?" of the chief.
The chief calls the weatherman and says "It's still warm" the weatherman says "Oh my, you really need to bundle up, it's going to be the worst ever."
The chief, finally asks "But how do you know this?" The weatherman responds "I see the Native Americans stockpiling wood so I know it's going to be terrible this winter."
12-04-2016 08:52 AM
Irelands child
Putting your 'affairs' in order

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into
the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter,
we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things
don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So,
let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually
approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to
what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were
drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and
you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do
that?'

'Because I don't want any of those b****es sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In
Order'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY..
.
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched
often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.
11-17-2016 02:32 PM
malc Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.
"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year-old mistress.
Hence the smile," says the coroner.
"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won $50,000 on the Lottery. Spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says.
The police inspector asked, "So what about this third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one.
Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken.
11-17-2016 02:30 PM
malc Optician told me today I am Colorblind .............It came just like a bolt out of the Green.

The tests also show I'm now shortsighted ..............I didn't see that coming.
11-09-2016 08:26 PM
7nomad8 Body shop motto: Guaranteed all the way to the street. (I used to work there. When there were no customers, the boss said that.)
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