|05-03-2015 12:00 PM|
Back in the 80's, the Russian government decided to do a scientific survey on why the head of a mans' willie was larger than the shaft. 2 million dollars later, it was determined that this was to give the man pleasure. The Americans, not to be outdone,spent 5 million, did their own survey and determined that this was to give the woman pleasure.
At the time, the pope was polish. The Polish government spent a buck on a phone call to the pope, to use the popes wisdom in all matters to mankind. You know what he told them?
To keep the hand from sliding off the end.
|05-03-2015 10:20 AM|
Someone give this a try and let me know if it works!
A cop pulls a car over for speeding.
Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 90 zone?”
Driver: “ Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”
Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”
Driver: “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”
Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”
Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will scape!”
The cop, not believing in what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior!
At his arrival, the cop told the Sheriff all that. The Sheriff told he to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:
Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!”
Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”
Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?”
Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”
Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment”
Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”
Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”
Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you never know! That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else? That I was speeding too?”
|05-03-2015 10:16 AM|
The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Way more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: Much more important.
Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"
Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
|05-03-2015 09:16 AM|
If Russ and Malc can then so can I
"How to you catch a Unique Donkey ?"
"You neak up on him !"
|05-03-2015 05:14 AM|
|05-03-2015 02:27 AM|
I know this is corny but, why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequila te kill her
I always tell that when I go into a new bar. Breaks the ice.
|04-30-2015 11:50 PM|
Adam, an elderly man was seated in the doctor's waiting room.
When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room.
After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright.
Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement.
'That must be a miracle doctor in there.' he exclaimed. 'What treatment did he give you? What's his secret?'
Adam stared at Paul and said, 'Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analysed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.'
|04-30-2015 11:27 PM|
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Isn't the animal world amazing!
|04-30-2015 07:05 PM|
THE NEW GENERATION
Daughter: "Daddy, I am coming home to get married. Take out your checkbook. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in California and he lives in New York . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viper. Dad, I need your blessings, good wishes, and a big wedding."
Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through PayPal. And if you get fed up with your husband....sell him on E bay."
|04-30-2015 05:16 PM|
Attention Dads !
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!
|04-29-2015 10:20 PM|
This is not a joke, but it's soooo funny. Starts a bit slow but then the laughter.
The guy lost his job for laughing.
|04-29-2015 09:17 AM|
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
|04-29-2015 01:28 AM|
The Laws of Ultimate Reality:
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the phone will ring.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Insurance: Insurance will cover everything except what happens.
Law of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
Law of Wet Paint: People will believe you without question when you tell them there are four billion stars in the universe, but will always check when you say the paint is still wet.
|04-29-2015 01:27 AM|
Bumper stickers that should exist:
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
God must love stupid people; he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
The first 10 commandments are the hardest.
People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.
I am logged in.....therefore, I am.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.
If your'e doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
|04-27-2015 01:03 PM|
if you think spelling is important...
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
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