How to Look Like an Election Season Sucker, in 10 Steps
How To Look Like an Election Season Sucker, in 10 Easy Steps
With Labor Day comes the official start of "Election Season" here in America, as we seek to elect our next president.
We've already had numerous heated political debates here on the Hotrodders Bulletin Board, and you are now sure to encounter more. You will find insightful, well-researched viewpoints put forth by some people, as well as inaccurate and carelessly researched positions by others.
I thought we might discuss how to properly research and defend your political views on the internet, but that would be boring. Instead, I figured I'd post some simple tips on how to look like the other guy -- the Election Season Sucker. Follow these 10 simple tips to ensure your reputation as a careless, gullible, clueless political sucker.
1. First things first. You'll have to turn on your caps lock, so you can type in all capital letters -- LIKE THIS. USING ALL CAPITAL LETTERS MAKES YOUR VIEWS STAND OUT IN THE CROWD, AND INCREASES THE LIKELIHOOD THAT PEOPLE WILL AGREE WITH YOU. IN FACT, JUST TURN YOUR CAPS LOCK ON RIGHT NOW, AND DON'T TURN IT OFF UNTIL THE ELECTION IS OVER. OR BETTER YET, UNTIL INAUGURATION DAY -- BUT ONLY IF YOUR CANDIDATE IS ELECTED. IF NOT, JUST LEAVE THE CAPS LOCK ON FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.
2. Remember a few short but simple political bashing slogans, like "Bush is an idiot" or "Kerry is a waffler". Insert these slogans into your posts whenever possible, not just in specific political discussions. As a quick example -- should someone happen to mention that they think a certain person is an idiot, or should someone else happen to mention that they had waffles for breakfast, you'll need to be ready to post your slogan of choice.
3. Stop reading the newspaper. Online news websites will have to go too. In a heated election such as this one, there's only one news source you can trust -- political television commercials sponsored by your preferred candidate. Once you've seen all the commercials, your next best sources are cable news (any channel), and political talk shows.
4. Don't ever offer a source for your viewpoint. Instead, just say "I heard somewhere..." or "someone told me..." or something like that. It doesn't really matter anyway -- if you heard it, it must be true.
5. Learn how to properly hijack a discussion. With a little practice, you should be able to take a discussion about anything at all, and turn it into a political discussion. The most interesting discussions are the best targets, because they have the largest number of people already reading them.
6. Acquire an assortment of politically themed pictures from the web to help strengthen your position in political discussions. Nothing clinches a debate better than a picture of the other candidate cut-and-pasted onto a pile of money, or a side-by-side comparison of the other candidate and a chimpanzee.
7. Do not under any circumstances purchase, read, discuss, or even think about any books, articles, or other information sources involving American history. The less you know about all that boring crap, the better.
8. There's no need to mention the good points about your candidate, or why you think he would make a good president. Just concentrate on bashing the other guy. Remember, elections aren't about getting your guy elected -- they're about making sure the other guy doesn't get elected.
9. Learn how to make proper use of the larger font sizes and brighter colors at your disposal. If someone ever makes a really good point that could prove you wrong, you'll need to know how to bust out the SUPER LARGE RED WHITE AND BLUE letters. Works like a charm.
10. Remember: if someone disagrees with you, it's because they're stupid. The smart people are the ones that agree with you. One day, we'll all live in a perfect world where everyone thinks and acts exactly like you. But we'll never reach that day without you telling everyone that disagrees with you how stupid they truly are.
How To Look Like an Election Season Sucker, in 10 Easy Steps
With Labor Day comes the official start of "Election Season" here in America, as we seek to elect our next president.
We've already had numerous heated political debates here on the Hotrodders Bulletin Board, and you are now sure to encounter more. You will find insightful, well-researched viewpoints put forth by some people, as well as inaccurate and carelessly researched positions by others.
I thought we might discuss how to properly research and defend your political views on the internet, but that would be boring. Instead, I figured I'd post some simple tips on how to look like the other guy -- the Election Season Sucker. Follow these 10 simple tips to ensure your reputation as a careless, gullible, clueless political sucker.
1. First things first. You'll have to turn on your caps lock, so you can type in all capital letters -- LIKE THIS. USING ALL CAPITAL LETTERS MAKES YOUR VIEWS STAND OUT IN THE CROWD, AND INCREASES THE LIKELIHOOD THAT PEOPLE WILL AGREE WITH YOU. IN FACT, JUST TURN YOUR CAPS LOCK ON RIGHT NOW, AND DON'T TURN IT OFF UNTIL THE ELECTION IS OVER. OR BETTER YET, UNTIL INAUGURATION DAY -- BUT ONLY IF YOUR CANDIDATE IS ELECTED. IF NOT, JUST LEAVE THE CAPS LOCK ON FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.
2. Remember a few short but simple political bashing slogans, like "Bush is an idiot" or "Kerry is a waffler". Insert these slogans into your posts whenever possible, not just in specific political discussions. As a quick example -- should someone happen to mention that they think a certain person is an idiot, or should someone else happen to mention that they had waffles for breakfast, you'll need to be ready to post your slogan of choice.
3. Stop reading the newspaper. Online news websites will have to go too. In a heated election such as this one, there's only one news source you can trust -- political television commercials sponsored by your preferred candidate. Once you've seen all the commercials, your next best sources are cable news (any channel), and political talk shows.
4. Don't ever offer a source for your viewpoint. Instead, just say "I heard somewhere..." or "someone told me..." or something like that. It doesn't really matter anyway -- if you heard it, it must be true.
5. Learn how to properly hijack a discussion. With a little practice, you should be able to take a discussion about anything at all, and turn it into a political discussion. The most interesting discussions are the best targets, because they have the largest number of people already reading them.
6. Acquire an assortment of politically themed pictures from the web to help strengthen your position in political discussions. Nothing clinches a debate better than a picture of the other candidate cut-and-pasted onto a pile of money, or a side-by-side comparison of the other candidate and a chimpanzee.
7. Do not under any circumstances purchase, read, discuss, or even think about any books, articles, or other information sources involving American history. The less you know about all that boring crap, the better.
8. There's no need to mention the good points about your candidate, or why you think he would make a good president. Just concentrate on bashing the other guy. Remember, elections aren't about getting your guy elected -- they're about making sure the other guy doesn't get elected.
9. Learn how to make proper use of the larger font sizes and brighter colors at your disposal. If someone ever makes a really good point that could prove you wrong, you'll need to know how to bust out the SUPER LARGE RED WHITE AND BLUE letters. Works like a charm.
10. Remember: if someone disagrees with you, it's because they're stupid. The smart people are the ones that agree with you. One day, we'll all live in a perfect world where everyone thinks and acts exactly like you. But we'll never reach that day without you telling everyone that disagrees with you how stupid they truly are.