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Topic Review (Newest First)
10-21-2004 12:47 PM
rat_guerue lol


jj
10-21-2004 03:38 AM
tbirdscott Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Mr. Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $30.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $31.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque
for $50.00.
2) Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to Beer Store; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DWI Charge $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $60.00
Total-- $4185.00
But you know the job was done right GUYS!
10-20-2004 10:12 PM
dinger When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended
> > victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would
> > be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire
> > wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger
> > again. This time it worked.
> >
> > **********************
> >
> > The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
> > cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted
> > a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting
> > negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
> > He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim
> > was approved.
> >
> > **********************
> >
> > A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
> > his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle
> > to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he
> > shot her.
> >
> > **********************
> >
> > After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
> > bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed
> > to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
> > Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a
> > nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
> > ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
> > telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and
> > prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered
> > for 3 days.
> >
> > Damn I like that one... (original sender's comment)
> >
> > **********************
> >
> > An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering
> > from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.
> > When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police
> > that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his
> > head to a moving train before he was hit.
> >
> > **********************
> > A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give
> > her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters
> > swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to
> > say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with
> > fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a
> > good girl and would never compromise her reputation by
> > having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently
> > watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed,
> > "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to
> > me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just
> > that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East,
> > and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would
> > show up again.
10-20-2004 10:03 PM
Vick Great post I am still lol I hope you dont mind me using some of those jokes my buddies would enjoy hearing them.


PS post more as soon as you get a chance
10-20-2004 08:41 PM
87442lover
Re: A little humor

Quote:
Originally posted by Kevin45
The Man Code

1. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not join him.

"Unless it's Iron Maiden"
10-20-2004 06:55 PM
40fordtruck_son the bathroom one is the most correct. i hate turning my head to talk to someone and try to keep track of......


well, you can figure it out, i aint gonna give you alot of info.
10-20-2004 04:39 PM
Nightfire
Re: A little humor

Quote:
Originally posted by Kevin45
The Man Code



7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-
limits. . . forever.

Oooooooops........broke that one







Mike
10-20-2004 04:35 PM
Ghetto Jet Thats funny to read, it makes you think of instances when the rules have applied to you.
10-20-2004 04:27 PM
Kevin45
A little humor

The Man Code

1. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not join him.

2. Under no circumstances may two guys share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow attendees.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need
not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to
his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail
a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed
to call out, "Bull****!" (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl,
the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-
limits. . . forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every increment of hotness she scores on the classic 1-to-
10 Babe Scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator
is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly
optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your
buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the
beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor
arty.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his
permission. He, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be regarded as
spies until they demonstrate a knowledge of the game and the ability
to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a guy's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see
nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or even like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll
be
able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare the excuse about
joining the priesthood.

19 . It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach . . . and it's delivered by a
topless supermodel. . . and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his
actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ***-
whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while
weightlifting:*
"Yeah, baby, push it!" - "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" -
"Another set and we can hit the showers." -
"Nice ***! Are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
referring to his beer choice.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other
situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

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