|08-31-2014 07:14 AM|
|jeffreyjc||What do you tell a women with two black eye's? Nothing, you've already told her twice! Why do women have two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time! Why don't you have to buy your wife a watch? There's a clock on the stove, isn't there! Why do women have short feet? So they can stand at the counter and do the dishes! Sorry lady's|
|12-20-2005 01:26 PM|
Click here: WhiteTrashXmas
|12-20-2005 01:24 PM|
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say . .
* Picabo, ICU.
|12-19-2005 07:51 PM|
This some realy good stuff.
Merry Christmas Lou
|01-17-2004 02:49 PM|
Alone I stumble
through the flowers
and try to count
lifeīs drinking hours
for me dull days
do not exist
Iīm a boozy faced piss artist
|01-17-2004 02:20 PM|
Subject: The Beer Prayer
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
|01-17-2004 01:08 PM|
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it: Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The hell with those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. The hheck with it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Bathroom Humor at its finest:
The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie
This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie
That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
It smells so bad your nose burns.
The Surprise Poopie
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!
The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
|01-15-2004 02:35 PM|
OJ didn't do it
|01-15-2004 12:47 PM|
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity but not necessarily in that order.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
5. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than bad news.
6. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
8. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
9. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
(COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test you will forget where you live.)
10. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
11. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
12. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
13. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
14. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.
(It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.)
15. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Dispersal Probability : Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
19. If it is true that we are what we eat then everyone must be fast, cheap and easy!!!!!!
|01-15-2004 01:24 AM|
An old man and woman meet in the retirement home. After sitting together many times, in the sun room, the old man asks the old wan to hold him penis. The old woman agrees, and every day, she holds his penis.
One day, he doesn't show up. Worried, the old woman askes the nurse if he is ill. The nurse says that he is sitting in the other sun room, with a woman. Furious, the old woman wheels down to the other room and confonts the old man.
"Here you are sitting, with another woman holding your penis. What has she got, that I don't???"
|01-14-2004 01:18 PM|
Hereīs a picture I got today itīs hot and secret!!
( jokes are to do with imagination as well )
|01-14-2004 11:05 AM|
After reading all 12 pages of this I realized one thing.
Jokes need pictures !!
LOL Keep up the good work ! Great jokes! I love the bat joke !
|01-14-2004 10:33 AM|
Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a cardboard box. His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, son?"
To which his son replies, "Because there was no Baghdad!"
Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire storeroom full of Macintosh Apples. When questioned about this cache she'd stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's being charged with "In-cider" trading
A report says high school students aren't very good with American History.
Its pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address ended with "@yahoo.com...?"
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the
local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and
an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company
president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to
strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.
To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men
individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is...
"Fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
|01-13-2004 11:28 PM|
|12-15-2003 11:20 PM|
Just a few FORD jokes
-A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!"
-Next time some Ford fanatic claims Ford means "First on race day" remind them that anything could be fast if a team of mechanics worked on it all week so it would last long enough to run a race before needing another weeks work.
-That's not a leak, my Ford's just marking its territory!
-Ford...At least they circled the problem.
-God made *****, Ford gave it wheels
-Q: How do you double the value of a Ford?
-A: Put gas in it.
-Q: How is a golf ball different from a Ford?
-A: You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
-Q: Why are there footpaths beside streets?
-A: So Ford owners have a safe place to walk home.
-Q: How come Ford makes tractors and Chevy doesn't?
-A: Chevy can't get one to run that slow!
-Q: What does the GT stand for on a Ford?
-A: Glued together!
-If one or more of these is true, unfortunately, you are driving a Ford...
-You look in your rear-view mirror to see two people with their hands on your tailgate.
-You constantly receive sympathy cards from the Department of Transportation.
-When you are walking across the parking lot, you see a priest performing last rights on your car.
-While stopped at traffic lights, other motorists offer to help push to get you started again.
-You have to stop along side the road at least once a day to pick up parts that have fallen off.
-You leave your keys in the ignition and a $20 bill on the dash for gas money in hopes that someone will steal your car.
-When you drive though town, people stop what they are doing and just start laughing.
-People try to hire you to bring your truck to their house to fog for mosquitos.
-In place of a spare tire, you find a pair of running shoes.
No, I dont hate Ford ( I owned one), just thought these were funny.
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