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Topic Review (Newest First)
09-23-2016 06:06 PM
deadbodyman
Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
LMAO - - 'bout time we had a Car Related Joke
Never thought of that here but your right
09-23-2016 05:50 PM
deadbodyman
Quote:
Originally Posted by dinger View Post
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him, looking very worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation!

The nurse gave him a serious look straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word -- "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your breasts, then?"

And that, my friends, is a Marine with a real positive attitude.
Good one
09-23-2016 09:26 AM
TugboatBill You can say that again!
09-23-2016 04:39 AM
7nomad8 "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word for "Bad Hunter"
09-13-2016 04:10 PM
dinger After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him, looking very worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation!

The nurse gave him a serious look straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word -- "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your breasts, then?"

And that, my friends, is a Marine with a real positive attitude.
09-12-2016 01:00 PM
FASTFORD
another blonde joke

A plane is on its way to Toronto and a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. He then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave First Class and return to her assigned seat.

The blonde again replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Toronto."
09-09-2016 06:12 PM
whinny Any Greek bloodlines here? This is gold.

http://youtu.be/I2NOfOeSX4k

Later gator
Russ
08-30-2016 08:44 AM
waynep712 Ok.. it's degreed



08-30-2016 12:13 AM
whinny I like to think nz contributes on the world stage along with our Anzus partners. We've also lost soldiers in Afghanistan etc but not on your scale.

But very funny post, no offence taken.

Russ
08-29-2016 08:54 PM
7nomad8 This was posted in Nov 2010by MALC.It took me 10 minutes to climb back to my 'puter from the floor. I hope not to offend everybody by re-posting it.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. The English have not been 'A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from 'Tiresome' to 'A Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from 'Pissed Off' to 'Let's get the Bastards'. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.

The Germans have increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from 'baaa' to 'BAAAA'. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is 'I hope Australia will come and rescue us'.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be alright, mate'. Three more escalation levels remain 'Crikey!', 'I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend' and 'The barbie is cancelled'. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
08-29-2016 09:41 AM
wretched ratchet
Quote:
Originally Posted by evolvo View Post
So one guy says to another guy "you know when one door closes the other opens". "That's true" says the other guy," but I'm not gonna buy this car till you fix that."
LMAO - - 'bout time we had a Car Related Joke
08-28-2016 05:52 PM
evolvo So one guy says to another guy "you know when one door closes the other opens". "That's true" says the other guy," but I'm not gonna buy this car till you fix that."
08-25-2016 02:23 PM
TugboatBill OK, I'm unsubscribing. I come here for a laugh, not political BS.
08-25-2016 12:19 PM
FASTFORD
twisted media

A Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”

And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days
08-22-2016 04:01 AM
malc A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
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