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Topic Review (Newest First)
Today 05:52 PM
evolvo So one guy says to another guy "you know when one door closes the other opens". "That's true" says the other guy," but I'm not gonna buy this car till you fix that."
08-25-2016 02:23 PM
TugboatBill OK, I'm unsubscribing. I come here for a laugh, not political BS.
08-25-2016 12:19 PM
FASTFORD
twisted media

A Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”

And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days
08-22-2016 04:01 AM
malc A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
08-21-2016 09:10 PM
7nomad8 Ammo is getting scarce
This morning I lucked out and was ableto purchase two boxes of ammo.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blond with a short skirt was filling her car up at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passengers window and said, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo ya' got?"
08-20-2016 12:16 AM
7nomad8 A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.

She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
08-20-2016 12:14 AM
7nomad8 Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

You can do your bit by remembering to send this email to an unstable friend...
I've done my part!!!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
08-19-2016 10:38 AM
evolvo 1st TEXT MESSAGE...

Hi Fred, this is George next door.

I have a confession to make. I've been feeling guilty these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you, but at least I'm telling you now in a text message as I feel bad about you not knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been able to get it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was too much. I feel so guilty and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. It won't happen again. Please suggest a usage fee and I'll pay you.


Regards, George.

Fred, feeling betrayed and insulted, grabbed his gun (he is a Texan!) rushed next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to reflect. Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second email message from his neighbor:

2nd E-MAIL MESSAGE...
Hi Fred, George here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I guess you figured it out anyway - the damned Auto-Correct changed ‘wi-fi’ to 'wife.’ @#$% t echnology!

Regards, George
08-15-2016 11:33 PM
malc "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that
women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having
allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom..."
Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy."
Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things
like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good
money for later in life."
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
08-15-2016 07:09 AM
boothboy Do you think?

BB
08-11-2016 04:02 PM
dinger On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?”
08-09-2016 08:54 AM
boothboy True story to Dinger's quip.
Most of you know I raise and show St. Bernards. At one time we had twenty two. Tim after tim as I push a flat cart with fifteen bags of food to the check out counter at Costco I'd be asked the same question. "Do you have dogs?" Or the statement, "You must have lots of dogs."

My standard answer is, "No, I manage a retirement home and Wednesday night is surprise night."

Lots of funny looks from the folks!

BB
08-09-2016 08:30 AM
dinger This may have already been posted but it tickles my funny bone...




A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

YESTERDAY I WAS AT COSTCO BUYING A LARGE BAG
OF PURINA DOG CHOW FOR MY LOYAL PET, NECCO, THE WONDER DOG, WHICH WEIGHS 191 LBS.

I WAS IN THE CHECK-OUT LINE WHEN A WOMAN BEHIND ME ASKED IF I HAD A DOG. WHAT DID SHE THINK, I HAD AN ELEPHANT?

SO BECAUSE I'M RETIRED AND HAVE LITTLE TO DO, ON IMPULSE I TOLD HER THAT NO, I DIDN\'T HAVE A DOG, I WAS STARTING THE PURINA DIET AGAIN.

I ADDED THAT I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T, BECAUSE I ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL LAST TIME, BUT THAT I'D LOST 50 POUNDS BEFORE I AWAKENED IN AN INTENSIVE CARE WARD WITH TUBES COMING OUT OF MOST OF MY ORIFICES AND IVS IN BOTH ARMS.

I TOLD HER THAT IT WAS ESSENTIALLY A PERFECT DIET AND THAT THE WAY THAT IT WORKS IS, TO LOAD YOUR JACKET POCKETS WITH PURINA NUGGETS AND SIMPLY EAT ONE OR TWO EVERY TIME YOU FEEL HUNGRY. THE FOOD IS NUTRITIONALLY COMPLETE SO IT WORKS WELL AND I WAS GOING TO TRY IT AGAIN.
(I HAVE TO MENTION HERE THAT PRACTICALLY EVERYONE IN LINE WAS NOW ENTHRALLED WITH MY STORY.)

HORRIFIED, SHE ASKED IF I ENDED UP IN INTENSIVE CARE, BECAUSE THE DOG FOOD POISONED ME. I TOLD HER NO, I STOPPED TO PEE ON A FIRE HYDRANT AND A CAR HIT ME.

I THOUGHT THE GUY BEHIND HER WAS GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK HE WAS LAUGHING SO HARD.

COSTCO WON'T LET ME SHOP THERE ANYMORE. BETTER WATCH WHAT YOU ASK RETIRED PEOPLE. THEY HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO THINK OF CRAZY THINGS TO SAY. FORWARD THIS (ESPECIALLY) TO ALL YOUR RETIRED FRIENDS...IT WILL BE THEIR LAUGH FOR THE DAY.
08-08-2016 01:22 AM
whinny This is old school funny


Later gator
Russ
08-07-2016 06:42 PM
Dave57210
A New Brand?

Was just quaffing a bottle of my fave beverage, when I noted a new advertising slogan on it. Obviously an ad for new brand called "Responsibly"

It clearly said on the label "Please Drink Responsibly"
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