|Today 01:02 PM|
If 50 Shades of Grey had been written by a man.......
1. At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 7, 2013
2. Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) November 26, 2012
3. 'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) February 8, 2014
4. Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) January 15, 2014
5. As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle 3.'
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) January 15, 2014
6. 'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked. I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate half my chips.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 5, 2014
7. Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) March 23, 2014
8. 'Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. 'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) December 14, 2013
9. She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) November 24, 2013
10. She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 24, 2013
11. They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) January 18, 2014
12. 'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 29, 2013
13. Her body trembled and shook.'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the closet.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 4, 2013
14. 'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'Alright,' I said, 'What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?'
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 21, 2013
15. 'Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 11, 2013
16. 'Stick it right up there,' she said, 'I want to remember this!' I did, then I patted it firmly. You can't be too careful with Post-it notes.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) April 1, 2013
17. My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 21, 2012
18. 'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'Alright,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) March 14, 2014
19. 'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.' 'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) October 8, 2012
20. As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see your hardness.' 'Alright,' I replied, and punched the waiter.
Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) January 20, 2013
|Today 12:58 PM|
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette.
He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?
Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”
Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.
|Today 12:51 PM|
Dear Welfare Benefits Office Manager :
My name is Bubba Bailey and I live in SC and I would like to present before you the following story.
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.
After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.
My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother.
This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.
My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving child care benefits.
|03-24-2015 10:02 AM|
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other :
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.'
'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was
also right here with us.'
'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.'
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.'
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.'
And then what?' asked a woman.
Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
|03-24-2015 09:17 AM|
The Jewish Elbow…
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson and his wife who are coming to visit.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What .. .. .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
SAD FACT: 1 old person is reading this junk. You hang in there, sunshine!
|03-23-2015 03:06 PM|
|03-23-2015 06:29 AM|
Some of you may relate to this note from 'Ron':
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum, shortly after this piece "went viral." The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow accidentally sat down on his golf club.
|03-22-2015 01:13 AM|
This is dam funny, but a vid, dean martin and the drunk pilot.
|03-21-2015 11:15 PM|
Neighbor: Haven't I seen you on TV?
Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?
|03-21-2015 11:13 PM|
Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gris with three glasses.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Mark can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect penis.
Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot, Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually care assistants in an old people’s home in Peckham. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.
Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
|03-19-2015 02:26 AM|
Two police officers call into the station on their radio.
"Hello, is this the Sergeant" ?
"Yes, it is" !
"We have a case here, Sergeant, A woman just shot
her husband for stepping on the floor that she had
just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman"?
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
|03-17-2015 02:42 PM|
|03-17-2015 12:17 PM|
|03-16-2015 09:02 PM|
I tell people I know that last line as well.
|03-16-2015 02:57 PM|
And why we miss Rodney Dangerfield because he said:
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
|This thread has more than 15 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.|