|04-16-2015 06:55 PM|
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
|04-16-2015 06:52 PM|
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
|04-16-2015 06:41 PM|
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
|04-14-2015 05:34 PM|
51 years ago.............
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
|04-13-2015 07:25 PM|
This one's worth remembering!
|04-13-2015 06:43 PM|
THE DEAD COW LECTURE
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
|04-11-2015 01:03 PM|
An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'
Some old men can still think fast......
|04-10-2015 06:40 AM|
|Too Many Projects||
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun and,
as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
|04-09-2015 10:41 PM|
An engineer could not find a job, so he opens a clinic, and puts a sign outside that says
"Get treatment for $50, if not cured get back $100 ".
A doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to show up the engineer and earn a quick $100. And so he visits the clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste" .
Engineer: "Nurse, bring the medicine from box No 22 and place 3 drops in the patient's mouth" .
Patient (Doctor): Spits out the medicine and says "This is not medicine, it's gasoline".
Engineer: "Congratulations.. You have your taste back ..That will be $50".
The doctor is really annoyed, and returns after a few days to recover his money.
Doctor : "I have lost my memory and I can't remember a thing" .
Engineer : "Nurse, bring the medicine from box No 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth".
Doctor: "This medicine is for the sense of taste" protests the doctor.
Engineer : "Congratulations. Your memory is back.. ..That will be $50".
The doctor leaves, but after several days angrily returns for one last try.
Doctor : "My eyesight has become weak" .
Engineer : "Well I don't have any medicine for that. So here take this $100 note".
Doctor : "But this is a $50 Note...You said you would refund a $100".
Engineer : "Congratulations, Your eyesight has gotten better. ..That will be $50".
|04-09-2015 10:19 PM|
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
|04-09-2015 10:17 PM|
“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the teacher on the first day of the new school year.
“He’s a magician, Ma’am,” said the new boy.
“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”
“He saws people in half.”
“Gosh!... Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“One half brother and two half sisters.”
|04-09-2015 06:12 PM|
I rear-ended a car this morning . . . . .
So, there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
Car . . .
And you know how you just get sooo stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So I look down at him and said...
'Well, which one are you then?'
. . . And that's when the fight started . . .
|04-09-2015 07:57 AM|
Everyone is talking about the possibility of Cannabis being legalized and Willie Nelson might even start his own Retail Bizz. One News reporter said this:
"If you buy an ounce, it's called a Full Nelson"
"if you buy a half ounce it's called a Half Nelson"
"If you buy less that that, it's called a Little Willie"
|04-09-2015 06:54 AM|
doctors chit chat............
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed:
'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable.
|04-08-2015 10:37 AM|
|Too Many Projects||
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde .
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
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