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Topic Review (Newest First)
Today 06:16 PM
FASTFORD
9 thoughts to ponder

Nine Thoughts to Ponder

Number 9. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8. Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your *** tomorrow.


And as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
Today 01:45 PM
whinny
Quote:
Originally Posted by malc View Post
And he's married to a girl from nz, pam Stevenson.
He is bloody funny though
Yesterday 03:34 PM
malc
Yesterday 03:17 PM
malc
Yesterday 02:48 PM
wretched ratchet I never was in the Military but from what my Dad said, that must look like induction day at the Army Base.
Yesterday 12:58 PM
Irelands child When you pull up the link, click on the clock:

http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html
11-17-2014 08:24 AM
FASTFORD
a comparison

how are a gynecologist and a pizza delivery man alike ?

they both get to smell it but cannot eat it......................
11-17-2014 08:18 AM
FASTFORD
the female dentist

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man
said.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank and the man
said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought
of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections
to taking a pill.

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills.
The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed
them.

"What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied
.
"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I
didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it
will give you something to hold on to when I pull your
tooth."
11-16-2014 08:51 AM
malc A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders.........."I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
11-14-2014 02:28 PM
rossco A bystander called 911 when he saw a man on the sidewalk collapse.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
11-14-2014 02:22 PM
rossco A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
11-12-2014 09:38 PM
silentpoet If the best relationship advice you get is from your tire guy, you might be a redneck.
11-12-2014 01:29 PM
malc An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door his wife started on him.......'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. ......and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged that night.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed . . . .

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
11-12-2014 08:41 AM
malc He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again... back and forth... back and forth... in and out...

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding... her face was flushed..

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted "Okay, Okay"!

"I can’t park the car! You do it, you smug bastard!"
10-29-2014 09:52 AM
malc The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
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