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Topic Review (Newest First)
Yesterday 09:42 PM
rossco We didn't take a lot of family holidays because my Dad is Irish and my Mom is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our vacations in Customs.
Yesterday 09:35 PM
rossco Complaints Made By Holidaymakers to Travel Agents...

I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.

I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper cookies like custard creams or ginger nuts.

It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during "siesta" time - this should be banned.

On my vacation to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming suits and towels.

The beach was too sandy.

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

We bought "Ray-Ban" sunglasses for five Euros [£3.50. $5 USD] from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.

It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home.

My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment, and ours was significantly smaller.

The brochure stated: "No hairdressers at the accommodation". We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?

There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.

We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.

We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.

It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
Yesterday 09:25 PM
rossco When you don't need a Visa.

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. 'Oh no I don't , I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'
Yesterday 02:48 PM
malc
Yesterday 02:06 PM
boothboy
Quote:
Originally Posted by dinger View Post
A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday, I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
As I've posted before, I breed and show St. Bernard's. For years while pushing a flat cart with ten 50# bags of dry dog when asked if I had dogs, I respond, "No I manage a retirement Home. Wednesday night is surprise night"

The looks are priceless!

BB
Yesterday 12:55 PM
dinger 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is: BASKETBALL


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees: Is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.



And.....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executive and officers is: GOLF.



THE

AMAZING

CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the

Smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles!
Yesterday 12:52 PM
dinger "DEFINITION OF"SERVICE"

I became confused when I heard the word " Service" being used with these agencies:

1, Internal Revenue "Service".

2, U.S. Postal "Service".

3, Telephone "Service".

4, Cable T.V. "Service".

5, Civil "Service".

6, State, City, County & Public "Service".

7, Customer "Service".

This is not what I thought "Service" meant.

But today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing!
Yesterday 12:15 PM
dinger A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday, I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
Yesterday 08:00 AM
FASTFORD
mother in law..............

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
02-23-2015 03:56 PM
whinny
Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
Now that's funny,lol
Russ
Later gator
02-23-2015 02:08 PM
wretched ratchet
02-23-2015 01:47 PM
malc A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.


Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.


Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.


Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
02-21-2015 05:06 PM
wretched ratchet Beer is just all grain cereal in a bottle !
02-21-2015 04:42 PM
FASTFORD
memories ???

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
02-21-2015 11:34 AM
malc A teacher placed a worm into a bottle of water.
Then he took it out and placed it into a bottle of alcohol where it promptly died.
"What does this tell us ?" he asked the class.

"If you don´t want worms, drink alcohol" came the reply.
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