|02-01-2016 04:26 PM|
|02-01-2016 03:30 PM|
|02-01-2016 03:27 PM|
|ogre||you've never had teenagers, i know THAT look all to well|
|02-01-2016 03:07 PM|
President Barack Obama and his family seem to have $15 million post-vacation blues as they stop off of Marine One at the White House:
|01-24-2016 03:58 PM|
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died.
At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica or a heart, made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone had said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed up again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much love cardiologist.
Suddenly one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "why are you laughing?"
"I'm sorry....but I was just thinking about my own funeral.....I'm a gynecologist"
|01-22-2016 12:20 AM|
|evolvo||The Donald T Rump way!|
|01-14-2016 11:44 PM|
A man was sitting quietly reading his newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your jeans pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings, ‘ he explained.
‘Oh darling, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, ‘What was that for?’
‘Your horse just phoned’
|01-14-2016 11:40 PM|
A blonde was selling her pet python on E-Bay.
A guy calls up and asks "Is it big."
"It's massive " replies the blonde.
"How many feet?"
"None...Geeez...It's a f....en snake"
|01-12-2016 10:09 AM|
Irelands child's last post reminded me of the time my Buddy and I were just about ready to depart Sky Harbor Airport in AZ. A voice from a Southwest
aircraft contacted Ground and asked for a shove back from the terminal. The Ground Controller said "I've been waiting all night to say this, Shove it!" My buddy keyed his mike and asked " Did you just tell him to Stick it?" Ground responded, "No. I told him to Shove It!"
|01-12-2016 07:06 AM|
Then there is this for some of you travelers. A few have been around a while, but still worth a look. Coffee drinkers - hold off as keyboards don't like wet:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f....ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose TowerNoted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said:
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
|01-12-2016 06:59 AM|
..........and now from Down Under.........
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bar tender, " Don't mind us we're joined at the hip.
I'm John.he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while
while pouring the beers. "Been on holidays yet lads?"
Off to America next month, says John. We go to America every year, rent a car
and drive for miles. Don't we Jim ? " Jim agrees.
" Ah America!" Says the bartender. "Wonderful country... New York, LA, Vegas...
"Nah, we don't like that American crap, " Says John. Meat pies and Fosters beer
that,s us, eh Jim ? and we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to America ? asks the bartender
" It's the only chance Jim gets to drive "
|01-11-2016 03:10 AM|
|01-07-2016 04:31 PM|
Gotta have a better photo - and this our 2 'kids':
|01-07-2016 04:28 PM|
'splain this to your boss how you lost your new KATO excavator:
LiveLeak.com - This ******* Sank the Ship
|01-07-2016 03:39 PM|
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