|06-29-2016 07:39 PM|
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. 'The
bartender says' well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says 'I would
like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says 'thank you.
I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the
bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says 'I
would like to buy
you one, too.' The old woman says ‘thank you. Bartender, I want another
Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies 'sonny,
when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding
your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
|06-26-2016 08:51 PM|
|06-25-2016 02:02 PM|
|06-25-2016 12:34 PM|
Always do what you want,and say what you feel.
Those who mind don't matter
And those who matter don't mind.
|06-23-2016 08:02 AM|
|06-22-2016 05:59 PM|
|7nomad8||George Phillips, 65, of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is there someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "OK", hung up, counted to 30, and called the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, " I thought you said there was nobody available!"|
|06-22-2016 09:17 AM|
|evolvo||I love that^!!|
|06-22-2016 12:15 AM|
annoying the neighbors
|06-21-2016 08:09 PM|
STOLEN CAR priceless
A man was being tail gated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the cross walk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tail gating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the inter section, dropping her cell phone and make up. As she was still in mid rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit the car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "what would Jesus do?" bumper sticker, the "choose life" license plate holder, the "follow me to Sunday school" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
|06-21-2016 06:03 PM|
|bullheimer||real good page today. i love the athiest teacher and the video of the guy taking a swig off the breathalizer, and the cop almost falling down laughing. funny as hell. myght be on here already but What's the definition of a virgin in Arkansas? : A girl who runs faster than her pappy.|
|06-19-2016 02:56 PM|
Daily funny--- Revisited
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough "youth"! How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and shoot interface was a Smith and Wesson.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
If blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Five days a week, my body is a temple.
The other two, it's an amusement park.
Learn from your parents' mistakes, USE BIRTH CONTROL.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving is not for you.
Don't drink and drive (or text), you might hit a bump and spill something.
Reality is just an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies.....Kermit the frog.
We are born naked and hungry, then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you, fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One good thing about Alzheimers is you get to meet new people every day.
Friends don't let friends date ugly people.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Gun control--Trusting both hands.
When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist".
|06-18-2016 11:46 PM|
Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure, Subsequently, the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.
Plain English translation:
Jack and Jill ran up a hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after!
|06-18-2016 11:29 PM|
|7nomad8||A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked up to the ceiling and flatly stated "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, walked up to the professor and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."|
|06-18-2016 12:07 AM|
2 funny clips made me laugh. That last one reminded me of 2 guys I met during the week. I got asked a favour to drop 2 friends of a friend to a place about 15 mins away from where we were. I asked them where they were going and he told me they were going to a place called manscape in Sydenham. I asked what this place did. They said they manicure and shave ALL your body. These guys were metrosexuals , I think that's what they call them.
Funny guys who said they were going for a shave, called crack sack and back. I burst into laughter. Ya wouldn't get me there. Rang my wife and told her. She said I'm old fashioned,lol. They also told me about a mirkin. Google that. The mind boggles.
|06-17-2016 11:20 PM|
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