|03-25-2017 12:30 PM|
The joys of marriage:
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...go on.
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it in the dark.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yeah! that's good.
Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.
|03-25-2017 12:28 PM|
Now the 'fake' news story of the day:
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.
No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC and CNN reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
|03-24-2017 08:59 AM|
Here's a little diddy by Tom Waits about Burma Shave.
|03-24-2017 07:33 AM|
Us elders recall the Burma Shave signs, you younkers - well enjoy.
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, Here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's to the 1960's.Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 or so feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet.....And the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream of the past.
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
DROVE TOO LONG
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
My all time favorite
AROUND THE CURVE
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
HE SAW THE TRAIN
AND TRIED TO DUCK IT
HE KICKED THE GAS
AND THEN THE BUCKET !!
A MAN A MISS,
A CAR A CURVE,
HE KISSED THE MISS,
AND MISSED THE CURVE,
|03-22-2017 11:08 PM|
|Dave57210||There was a city boy that was sent by has father out to stay with an uncle on the farm who promptly assigned him to "grease the wagon". The boy eagerly grabbed a can of grease and headed for the wagon. Later he returned and proudly announced 'I got the whole wagon greased except where the wheels attach to the axles---that was too hard to get to..'|
|03-12-2017 09:00 PM|
Lost another job.
|03-11-2017 02:36 PM|
I'm gunna use that,lol
|03-11-2017 02:32 PM|
Everybody knows about Murphy's Law
Ever heard of Cole's Law? (its chopped-up cabbage)
|03-11-2017 02:06 PM|
That last bit is so true Dave.
|03-10-2017 11:42 PM|
Am I getting to be that age?
I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses,
and only sunglasses.
A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?"
I looked at her, and said,
"I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond.
Am I getting to be that age?
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.
I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, Oh, have you got a cat? Just once I want to say,
No, it's for company!
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.
I think you should write,An ambulance.
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The' and ' IRS ' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Ageing: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me.
I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
May you always have Love to Share,
Cash to Spare,
And Friends who Care
|03-10-2017 11:16 PM|
Above is funny.....but it's not if you get my meaning.
|03-10-2017 11:16 PM|
In these pc days you have to wonder what's being taught at school eh? I drink rum n coke, small to medium , full of ice and double rum and coke up,to 2/3rds. Had a young girl before Xmas ask what's 2/3rds. This is not the first time, in fact it's about the third. Young people don't learn fractions!!!!
|02-23-2017 01:11 PM|
And now for some news.............
|02-10-2017 05:03 AM|
Recently out having a few Beers with the Lads...
One chap says "My girlfriend hasn't spoken to me for six weeks..."
"She's a keeper !" said another, "Women like that are very rare."
|02-09-2017 01:04 PM|
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