|11-21-2014 05:32 PM|
|11-21-2014 05:14 PM|
My late mums fave American was dean martin, I grew up with him on the record player.
I found this hilarious clip, very very funny, ya eyes will water!
|11-20-2014 06:16 PM|
9 thoughts to ponder
Nine Thoughts to Ponder
Number 9. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8. Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your *** tomorrow.
And as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
|11-20-2014 01:45 PM|
He is bloody funny though
|11-19-2014 03:34 PM|
|11-19-2014 03:17 PM|
|11-19-2014 02:48 PM|
|wretched ratchet||I never was in the Military but from what my Dad said, that must look like induction day at the Army Base.|
|11-19-2014 12:58 PM|
When you pull up the link, click on the clock:
|11-17-2014 08:24 AM|
how are a gynecologist and a pizza delivery man alike ?
they both get to smell it but cannot eat it......................
|11-17-2014 08:18 AM|
the female dentist
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank and the man
said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought
of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections
to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills.
The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed
"What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied
"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I
didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it
will give you something to hold on to when I pull your
|11-16-2014 08:51 AM|
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders.........."I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
|11-14-2014 02:28 PM|
A bystander called 911 when he saw a man on the sidewalk collapse.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
|11-14-2014 02:22 PM|
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
|11-12-2014 09:38 PM|
|silentpoet||If the best relationship advice you get is from your tire guy, you might be a redneck.|
|11-12-2014 01:29 PM|
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door his wife started on him.......'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. ......and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged that night.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed . . . .
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
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