|10-16-2014 05:05 PM|
This 84 year old man is so funny!!
|10-15-2014 02:52 PM|
|10-14-2014 10:11 AM|
Just a second thought.
|10-14-2014 10:00 AM|
Just a thought.
|10-14-2014 09:13 AM|
The Chicago way
The Chicago way.....
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the your Government works.
|10-09-2014 02:13 PM|
|10-09-2014 01:23 PM|
|10-09-2014 12:49 PM|
That way the sheep pushes backwards........
You know, A good sheep will do that anyway, err, at least that's what I've been told.
|10-09-2014 10:24 AM|
There are many folks who wouldn't, but I believe you were just helping that poor sheep climb over the fence!
|10-09-2014 10:02 AM|
What you do when youīve picked out a "pretty" sheep
is get it facing off a steep drop and place itīs hind legs into your wellington boots.
That way the sheep pushes backwards........
Itīs errr something I heard.......a long time ago......honest.....
|10-09-2014 07:39 AM|
Old but good
An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any hair "down there. "
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the entire dart team hadn't!"
|10-09-2014 07:33 AM|
There was an English steelworker who had dreamed of being a farmer. So he scrimped and saved for 15 years and then he bought a little sheep farm on a mountain in Wales.
He went about farming and discovered that he loved it. But he was lonely, so one evening he bicycled 10 miles to the closest pub. The only other customers were two older men in a corner playing dominoes.
"Where are all the women?" the new farmer asked.
"You'll not find any women in these parts, I'm afraid! Not in many years!" replied one of the old men.
"So what do you do for, uh, companionship?"
"When the urge overwhelms you, you just grab a sheep and give it a good shagging! No shame in it-- we all have to do it."
The new farmer said that was disgusting and he would never do it, drained his pint and went home. But a month later, he was in a sheep field and feeling so randy that he couldn't take it any more. He grabbed a sheep, got on his knees and starting humping it. Suddenly, a peal of laughter broke out behind him. He spun his head around and saw the old farmers, who were cutting across his field and were now pointing, laughing and pounding their knees.
"You said that everyone around here shags sheep!" yelled the new farmer as he pulled his pants back up.
"Yeah," replied one of the old men. "But we don't shag the ugly ones!"
|10-09-2014 04:32 AM|
|10-05-2014 10:27 AM|
Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He took her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph, You just had you a son !
'Ain't dat grand ?'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
'Hey, Murph, You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy !'
Murphy said to the doctor,
'Doc, what caused all of dem babies ?'
The doctor said,
'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil ?'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
'I'll tell you, .....it's a freaking' good īting we didn't use WD-40.
|09-26-2014 01:47 AM|
A precious little girl walks into a pet store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp,
"Do you have widdle wabbits?"
The storekeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
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