|Yesterday 02:44 PM|
Just on the subject of golf, when my wife and I did our big trip around the world about 15 years ago we went to St. Andrews and I bought some golf balls with St. Andrews on them for some of my golfing mates. Also got them some from the bridge on the river Kwai. A very eerie place there I can tell you as we walked across the bridge.
|Yesterday 01:01 PM|
Fifty shades of..........golf?
The annual golf trip......
Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St. Andrews for many years....Two days before the group is to leave, Jim's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jim's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later, the three get to St. Andrews only to find Jim sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jim, how long have you been here, and how did you talk to your missus into letting you go?"
Well I have been here since last night....Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey.
On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am!!!!!
|Yesterday 07:25 AM|
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Pat. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Patton said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
|03-03-2015 03:57 PM|
A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best.
The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.
Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven.
There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty.
So, the four servicemen asked him, Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?
Saint Peter replied, I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven.
Sometime later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their answer?
Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peters shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY
TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines and Coast Guard
Subject: Which Military Service Is the Best?
1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.
2. Each serves America well and with distinction.
3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.
4. Always be proud of that.
|03-03-2015 03:11 PM|
I called into my docs late one night last week. I told him I felt like I was a moth. He told me not to be so silly and go home. He then asked what made me call in. I said I saw the light on!
|03-03-2015 02:23 PM|
I went to the doctors last week.
I said " I think I'm going a little deaf."
He says, "Can you describe the symptoms ?"
"No problem" says I, "Homer is the fat one that drinks Duff beer and Marge is the one with the tall blue hair."
|03-03-2015 12:20 PM|
How many Country and Western singers does it take to put in a light bulb ?
6, one to put the bulb in and 5 to sing a song about how good the old one was!!!
|03-03-2015 12:15 PM|
A Doctor’s Address At Oxford
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it ?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake"
|02-28-2015 05:31 AM|
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says. . "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel ?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! ? Like a new-born baby! ?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
|02-28-2015 05:30 AM|
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes.
I'll explain why later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way"
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
and said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq.
"The nun said she understood.
The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you
have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"
|02-27-2015 10:27 PM|
Still think you are having a bad day ?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
|02-27-2015 10:25 PM|
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
Still having a bad day ?
|02-26-2015 09:42 PM|
|rossco||We didn't take a lot of family holidays because my Dad is Irish and my Mom is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our vacations in Customs.|
|02-26-2015 09:35 PM|
Complaints Made By Holidaymakers to Travel Agents...
I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.
I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper cookies like custard creams or ginger nuts.
It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during "siesta" time - this should be banned.
On my vacation to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.
We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming suits and towels.
The beach was too sandy.
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.
We bought "Ray-Ban" sunglasses for five Euros [£3.50. $5 USD] from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.
No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.
It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home.
My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.
I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment, and ours was significantly smaller.
The brochure stated: "No hairdressers at the accommodation". We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?
There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.
We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.
We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.
It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
|02-26-2015 09:25 PM|
When you don't need a Visa.
A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. 'Oh no I don't , I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'
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