|05-28-2015 09:54 PM|
Trucker would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
“I know”, replied the priest. “Lucky I got him with the door!”
|05-28-2015 09:46 PM|
A middle aged man was sitting in a truck stop when three mean-looking bikers walked in.
The first walked over to the man and stubbed a cigarette out in his soup. Then the second biker spat in the soup. Finally the third biker picked up the bowl of soup and threw it on the floor.
Without saying a word, the man got up and left.
"He wasn't much of a man, was he?" sneered one of the bikers to the waitress. "Not much of a truck driver, either," she said. "He just backed his truck over 3 motorcycles."
|05-27-2015 10:57 AM|
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler one nun said to the other, " Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the check-out."
"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair," the nun said. "Back at our convent we call it catholic shampoo."
Without batting an eye the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said:
"The curlers are on the house."
|05-27-2015 08:43 AM|
For you Julie Andrews fans.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good....) a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
|05-26-2015 05:30 AM|
A person can always learn something new, at any time, on any day, for any reason...
Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move!
The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.
One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?"
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
"Wait”, said the Accountant, "Before we do that, let's add that money we took for ourselves over the past few months and also add in any other problems and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million.
The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking?
Maybe its better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.
Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank.
Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
|05-21-2015 07:50 PM|
|bentwings||Dogs can do the darnedest things|
|05-20-2015 08:32 AM|
More on Texas Cycle Gang
Texas cycling gangs clash, leaving nine critically offended â€” The Dandy Goat
|05-20-2015 06:58 AM|
|05-20-2015 05:34 AM|
|wretched ratchet||Altho I can't understand but about every third word, it reminds me of "Our Own" - - - Archie and Edith Bunker & All In The Family.|
|05-20-2015 01:32 AM|
|05-20-2015 01:30 AM|
|05-20-2015 01:21 AM|
'Till Death Do Us Part', that was a must see, no one missed that, brilliant.
No one would dare write anything like that today.
|05-20-2015 01:04 AM|
Especially for you, I immediately thought you might enjoy this. I grew up with it. Don't think we will get repeats,lol
|05-19-2015 09:23 PM|
|PatM||Rip, b. B.|
|05-15-2015 12:11 PM|
This is one of my all time favorites, it involves the late great B.B King, and his passing reminded me of this joke. With respect, here it is:
By his own admission, B.B. loved the ladies, in his younger years he had many ladies in his life. One gal entered his life, fell hard for him, and decided to do something special for B.B., hoping to be his chosen gal. She went down to the tattoo parlor, Had a big ole B tattooed on her butt, one on each cheek. B.B. came home that night and was undressing in the bedroom. As he was sitting on the bed, pulling on his slippers, the gal stood in front of him, pulled down her panties, bent over in front of him, and says "What do you think of this, B.B.?"
B.B. said: "Who's Bob"?
|This thread has more than 15 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.|