|08-02-2015 06:34 AM|
I know a couple of those folks in the political side of my life:
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
|08-01-2015 09:50 PM|
When insults had class......
When insults had class:
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."-
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"He has never written a phrase that did NOT send a reader to the dictionary". - (Unknown about Conrad Black).
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of It." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." – Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first nigh to my new play; bring a friend...if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb"
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keatin
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -
Jack E Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp- posts ... for support rather than illumination."- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." –Groucho Marx
|07-31-2015 08:24 AM|
Copied from Snopes:
When you've had an absolute "I hate my job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company".
Have a nice day everyone and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.
|07-30-2015 03:49 PM|
|07-30-2015 03:44 PM|
I just cut the grass outside my house.........
he wont be talking to the police again in a hurry
|07-30-2015 03:42 PM|
WOMEN IN SPACE
"Houston, we have a problem."
"What's the problem ?"
"Please tell us"
"You know what the problem is."
|07-30-2015 01:12 PM|
|07-30-2015 12:13 PM|
|malc||The rabbit joke deserves jail time.|
|07-30-2015 10:53 AM|
OK, I've been quiet for a while, so.....
The Rabbit and the Blonde:
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says:
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
A little known fact.... The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Bob Hope once said “I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor: “I am the world’s greatest housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.”
The waitress went over to fill the customer’s coffee cup. ”Regular?” she asked. ”Yes,” he said, “because I stay on a diet of fruit.”
[FROM A CHURCH BULLETIN] Ladies, don’t forget the church rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
[FROM A CHURCH BULLETIN] The Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Ole and Lena got married, and were driving to San Jose. Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee. She said ”Ole, you can go farther than that” and so Ole drove to Sacramento.
Long-term Commitment: Recent Widow Who Has Just Buried Fourth Husband Looking for Someone to Round out a Six-Unit Plot. Dizziness, Fainting, Shortness of Breath Not a Problem.
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas? ~Jean Kerr
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. ~Jay Leno
Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said,"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"
.... and finally:
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
|07-30-2015 08:12 AM|
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
|07-30-2015 12:54 AM|
Four ladies were having coffee together and discussing how important their sons were.
The first one tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second woman says, "Well my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room everyone says 'Your Grace'.'
The third woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you all down, but my son is a cardinal and when he walks into a room people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth woman just sits there sipping her coffee in silence.
The first three turn to her and say "Well...?"
She replies.."Well my son is a gorgeous male stripper and when he walks into a room all the woman go...'My God'."
|07-27-2015 12:21 AM|
I haven't got a joke but let me tell you something about me and it's also funny, depending what sex you are.my wife and I bait each other a it and one day she had being giving me hell winding me up. I had to fill my hilux up with diesel so pulled into my local gas station. Filled up and got a car wash. ( you know where this is heading?) got in line then punched code in and drove in. As the jets of water started I waited until they got to her window, then used the button to unwind her window to half way then back up again, you shoulda seen the arms flying around. She laughed about it later on. She always has her finger on the control button now when going through.
|07-26-2015 02:10 PM|
dont be hasty.....
A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.”Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
“Go away!” said the old woman. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!” he said.
“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
In addition, with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old woman stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a darned good appetite sonny, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
|07-24-2015 07:40 AM|
.....and now for us more mature folks
|07-24-2015 07:32 AM|
Just a reminder to me about a trip I made to the doctor's office this week - a payment for some 'sins of youth'
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