|Today 01:01 PM|
The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Way more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: Much more important.
Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"
Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
|Today 12:10 PM|
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.....
Since then I've got a dog.
I bought a new motorbike.
Banged two women and blown a grand on drugs and booze.
She's going to go mental when she gets home from work.
|09-23-2016 06:06 PM|
|09-23-2016 05:50 PM|
|09-23-2016 09:26 AM|
|TugboatBill||You can say that again!|
|09-23-2016 04:39 AM|
|7nomad8||"Vegetarian" is an old Indian word for "Bad Hunter"|
|09-13-2016 04:10 PM|
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him, looking very worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation!
The nurse gave him a serious look straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word -- "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your breasts, then?"
And that, my friends, is a Marine with a real positive attitude.
|09-12-2016 01:00 PM|
another blonde joke
A plane is on its way to Toronto and a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. He then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave First Class and return to her assigned seat.
The blonde again replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Toronto."
|09-09-2016 06:12 PM|
Any Greek bloodlines here? This is gold.
|08-30-2016 08:44 AM|
Ok.. it's degreed
|08-30-2016 12:13 AM|
I like to think nz contributes on the world stage along with our Anzus partners. We've also lost soldiers in Afghanistan etc but not on your scale.
But very funny post, no offence taken.
|08-29-2016 08:54 PM|
This was posted in Nov 2010by MALC.It took me 10 minutes to climb back to my 'puter from the floor. I hope not to offend everybody by re-posting it.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. The English have not been 'A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from 'Tiresome' to 'A Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from 'Pissed Off' to 'Let's get the Bastards'. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.
The Germans have increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from 'baaa' to 'BAAAA'. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is 'I hope Australia will come and rescue us'.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be alright, mate'. Three more escalation levels remain 'Crikey!', 'I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend' and 'The barbie is cancelled'. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
|08-29-2016 09:41 AM|
|08-28-2016 05:52 PM|
|evolvo||So one guy says to another guy "you know when one door closes the other opens". "That's true" says the other guy," but I'm not gonna buy this car till you fix that."|
|08-25-2016 02:23 PM|
|TugboatBill||OK, I'm unsubscribing. I come here for a laugh, not political BS.|
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