|Yesterday 08:39 AM|
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went
to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest
guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he
could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in LA, Chicago, Madrid, most of Florida, parts of Oregon, the hidden valleys of North Carolina and along the Canadian border ....
|Yesterday 08:35 AM|
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about he day you died.
"No problem", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home and catch them.
Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!
Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly". The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers"!
"Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me"!
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven" and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died", said the angel. "OK. Picture this", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
|04-25-2016 02:27 PM|
|bentwings||If I had been in the bar all day and it was 5 minutes until closing, I'd order a double and ask the lady with the headset to call a taxi for me.|
|04-25-2016 12:13 PM|
|04-25-2016 12:03 PM|
God Help Us!
|04-25-2016 12:01 PM|
|04-25-2016 11:21 AM|
I like the whale better. Really trim and slick. The lady on the right is thick and has a big ......she would have a hard time going under water with the extra flotation material. Haha
I like the car too what ever it is.
|04-25-2016 10:51 AM|
|04-25-2016 10:04 AM|
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
This dog is amazing!
Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar...He's never been out of the backyard'
|04-25-2016 03:21 AM|
|04-25-2016 03:20 AM|
|04-24-2016 08:47 PM|
Another tragedy in the Music business
Kanye West was discovered to be still alive!
|04-22-2016 02:43 AM|
I was sitting at the computer the other day drafting out my will.
I called out to my wife...."When I die I'm leaving everything to you"
She shouted back..."You already do, ya lazy b*stard"
|04-20-2016 09:15 AM|
Crap! I mowed lawns!
|04-18-2016 12:39 PM|
malc: i want that, everything is better with bacon: even chocolate
|This thread has more than 15 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.|