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Topic Review (Newest First)
Today 03:02 PM
wretched ratchet A guy, who was not feeling well, went to the hospital to have tests run.

Two days later, he received a call to get to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have contact with anyone.

Upon arrival, he was ushered to a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits......

The lead doctor said, "Sir.....I am sorry to inform you that your tests came back and you are positive for HEADS."

The guy says, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?

The doc says, "Well, Sir....it is a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis..."

"Oh, Dear God!" the guy replies, "What can you do?"

The doctor says, "Just stay calm....the first thing we are going to do is get you a room all to yourself. Then, we are going to start you off with a diet of pancakes and pizza....."

The guy says, "Wait! What? Pancakes and pizza? Will that help cure me?"

"Well,.....no." says the doctor, "But, it's the only things we can slip under the damn door...."
Today 09:56 AM
wretched ratchet
Today 09:08 AM
FASTFORD
more money..............

Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have three different companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”

“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied
Today 08:55 AM
FASTFORD
the screw.............

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . . And thus, never made any friends.


One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.


During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.


The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . And his *** fell off.

The moral to this is:


'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ***!'
Yesterday 04:15 PM
malc
12-15-2014 02:46 AM
malc
12-12-2014 06:38 PM
wretched ratchet
should this have gone in the Music Thread?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39IVS1pakeA
12-12-2014 01:47 PM
malc
12-12-2014 06:37 AM
malc A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.
So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.
"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and IT skills".
There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.
"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.
So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.
"It doesn't really matter", they say, "So long as he fits in the cannon".
12-08-2014 05:22 PM
redhed >
> A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
>
> Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
>
>
> She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
>
> He thanked her and went back to his golf.
>
>
> On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
>
>
> She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
>
> Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
>
>
> He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
>
> He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
>
>
> He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
>
> She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
>
> "No, I won't."
>
> "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
>
> With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
>
> She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
>
> "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!
12-08-2014 01:32 AM
rossco While standing in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike.
"My elbow hurts real bad. I guess I had better go see a doctor".

Mike says "You don't have to spend that kind of money. There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs just ten bucks. A lot cheaper than the doctor."

So Joe runs off an urine sample into a small jar and takes it down to Aldi's.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. Joe pours the sample into the slot and waits. A few seconds later the computer ejects a printout.
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water with a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and from his daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. The computer prints out the following.
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener from aisle 9
2)Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti fungal shampoo aisle 7.
3)Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4)Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5)If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
12-08-2014 12:55 AM
boothboy
Quote:
Originally Posted by malc View Post
The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on satsuma.
Same back Atcha!

BB
12-07-2014 03:11 PM
malc The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on satsuma.
12-05-2014 02:03 PM
malc British Tax Return

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.
The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs) has returned the Tax Return to a man in STANSTED after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?" he wrote:
"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was Unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was:

"SORRY - Who did I miss out?
12-05-2014 01:24 PM
malc DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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