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Topic Review (Newest First)
07-19-2014 08:25 AM
wretched ratchet
Attn: Crash Farmer

FARMER OR RANCHER?
By Baxter Black

There is a distinction in the livestock business between ranchers and farmers. But how does a city slicker tell the difference? I have some guidelines that should be helpful.

1. Ranchers live in the west. Except beet growers in Idaho, cotton farmers in Arizona, prune pickers in California and wheat producers in Montana. Farmers live east of Burlington, Colorado. Except for cattle ranchers in the Sandhills of Nebraska, cracker cowboys in Florida, Flinthills cowmen in Kansas, and mink ranchers in Michigan.

2. Farmers wear seed company caps except when they're attending the PCA banquet, the annual cattlemen's meeting or going on a tour to a foreign country. Ranchers wear western hats except when they're roping, putting up hay or feeding cows at 30° below zero.

3. Ranchers wear western boots except when they're irrigating and sleeping. Farmers wear western boots except when they go to town.

4. Farmers work cows a foot, on a tractor, a three wheeler, a motorcycle, in the pickup, snowmobile, road grader, canoe or ultralight. Virtually any motorized contraption except a horse. Ranchers work cows horseback.

5. Farmers can identify grass. Ranchers have trouble distinguishing grass from weeds and indoor-outdoor carpet. Farmers think grass is green. Ranchers think it is yellow.

6. Ranchers haul their dogs around in the pickup and pretend they are stock dogs. Farmers usually leave their pets at home.

7. Farmers think a rope is good for towing farm equipment, tying down bales and staking the milk cow along the highway. A rancher's rope hangs on the saddle and is only used to throw at critters.

8. A rancher wouldn't be caught dead in overalls. A farmer never wears a scarf or spurs.

9. Farmers complain about the weather, the market, the government, the banker, taxes, county roads, the price of seed, equipment, veterinary work, pickups, tires and kids. So do ranchers.

Now that I've made it perfectly clear, let's assume you see a man on Main Street in Enid, Oklahoma. He's wearing western boots, a seed corn cap and has a pocket-ful of pencils. He's driving his pickup complete with a dog, a saddle and a three wheeler in the back. Which is he, a farmer or rancher?

He's either a rancher on his way to a roping or a farmer coming back from the flea market. The only way to be sure is to examine his rope. If it has more than two knots in it, he's a farmer
07-14-2014 09:20 PM
boothboy
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave57210 View Post
Off the Southern tip of Florida, there is a chain of islands called the Keys. They are very popular for tourism and as a result, development has nearly reached maximum.

Consequently, there is a proposal to create some new artificial islands

Tentative names for the first few of the new Keys are as follows:
Key Pright
Key Pleft
Key Pout
Key Poff
Key Paway
It took a couple of minutes!

BB
07-14-2014 05:14 PM
Dave57210 Off the Southern tip of Florida, there is a chain of islands called the Keys. They are very popular for tourism and as a result, development has nearly reached maximum.

Consequently, there is a proposal to create some new artificial islands

Tentative names for the first few of the new Keys are as follows:
Key Pright
Key Pleft
Key Pout
Key Poff
Key Paway
06-30-2014 07:10 AM
wretched ratchet Let's just call this "a thousand words" !

06-30-2014 02:29 AM
staleg Hitler finds out his Hemi 'Cuda is a fake...

06-28-2014 06:24 PM
carsavvycook
punography

Too funny not to share!!!
06-22-2014 05:57 AM
deadbodyman
Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet View Post
A wife was curious when she found two old negatives in a drawer and had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!".
even my wife thought that one was funny...
06-20-2014 01:56 PM
wretched ratchet
06-11-2014 03:46 PM
wretched ratchet A wife was curious when she found two old negatives in a drawer and had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!".
06-10-2014 11:04 AM
OLNOLAN
Encore favorites

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?”
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
06-10-2014 08:53 AM
malc Bill at his best...hilarious.

06-03-2014 11:38 AM
bentwings Spoken like a retired engineer.
06-03-2014 10:28 AM
FASTFORD
a drink a day

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.

She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about that "

If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms?
05-27-2014 01:09 PM
malc All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
05-26-2014 06:40 AM
FASTFORD
Daddy`s little girl

A little girl was given a tea set for her second birthday.

It became one of he favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV.

He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him.

On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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