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Topic Review (Newest First)
Today 06:40 PM
John long That is just too funny. Poor Fred.

John
Today 06:08 PM
FASTFORD
dating in the 60`s

Dating in the 1960`s

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this... But even if you’re not old enough, this is funny, anyway!
.................................................. ...................................

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room.

Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said.
Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh ... really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother.
"As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.

"The damned dance is called the Twist!" NOT the screw.
Today 06:00 PM
FASTFORD
Women !

A man calls home to give the wife some bad news.

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital."

"They've checked me over and have done some tests and some x-rays."

"The blow to my head was pretty severe; fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife’s Response:

"Who the hell is Paula?
04-14-2014 02:43 PM
wretched ratchet And they say Wimmin don't like to do washing !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcbuybGp4dE
04-11-2014 06:57 AM
malc
04-11-2014 06:31 AM
FASTFORD
the wife.....

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh--no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."
04-07-2014 08:31 AM
Irelands child
Mother's Milk

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation,
just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test,
he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high
enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
04-06-2014 11:38 PM
malc A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the feck had sex with my wife?" he snarled.........

A voice was heard in the background "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
04-03-2014 09:41 PM
John long
Quote:
Originally Posted by deadbodyman View Post
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.


The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
I am glad you posted that Mike. I had heard that some time ago but forgotten it. I really believe it makes a good point and is food for thought.

Thanks,
John
04-03-2014 09:12 PM
deadbodyman A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.


The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
04-03-2014 02:27 PM
FASTFORD
04-03-2014 11:01 AM
malc Stick with it to the end....

04-01-2014 02:33 PM
FASTFORD
Dental Plan..............

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me and slapped me on the a**.

She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”

She said, “I sure do."

I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”


My dental surgery is on Monday..................
03-25-2014 03:35 PM
malc
03-19-2014 01:54 PM
Irelands child
Wisdom - Why I Owe My Mother

Why I Owe My Mother ...


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."


2. My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."


3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


4. My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."


5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."


6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."


7. My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."


8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."


9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM:
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"


10. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."


11. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."


12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"


13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."


14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"


15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."


16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."


17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when you get home!"


18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."


19. My mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"


20. My mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."


21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."


22. My mother taught me GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"


24. My mother taught me WISDOM:
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."


25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

But wait, there is one more .....

26. My mother taught me about CHOICE:
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
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